what i see

I remember the very first time I ever laid eyes on you, as cliched as it sounds, your beauty absolutely took my breath away. I can’t exactly find the words to describe what I felt but I knew it was something unique, something that I had never felt before and never would again. I sat there staring at you for a good few minutes thinking, “my god, she’s absolutely beautiful”… And then you opened your mouth, and I filtered out everything else going on in that room, and as you spoke, it dawned on me that your beauty was not your greatest asset, but rather it was the mind that sits behind those guarded brown eyes accented by those warm fiery tinges of black and gray. In time as I got to know you for who you are I realized that this mind which I believed to be your greatest asset only takes a distant second place to the heart that rests within your chest.

As we became friends of the truest definition of the word, I realized that my life without you in it is like world without an atmosphere. Barren. But just as a world with an atmosphere is complex and exists in a fine balance, so does my life, and that is why I’ll  never know if what you mean to me is anywhere near with what I mean to you. I don’t exactly know what I feel for you, but I do know that it runs deep like the roots of a tree, you underpin my every achievement and in everything I do, I look to you to see if you smile with the grace of your effortless beauty, I look for answers in those beautiful eyes, guidance in your sharp mind and most of all, approval in that enormous heart.

bystander.

I don’t so much feel like I’m living my own life, rather I feel like a bystander in it. Sometimes it’s very easy to feel like a ghost, I even have to question whether people can actually see me and I guess in doing so I begin to wonder if I matter in the slightest. Or whether I exist like a furniture while life happens around me. I've long since held the belief that I don’t belong here, and I don’t belong in this time and perhaps I was never meant to be. Because most of the time my life feels like a cheap scene from a drama where they show the main character standing still, or doing something in real time while camera trickery shows everything around him happening in fast forward. The thing is it can be very real, you can sit and just watch life happen as nothing more than a bystander in it all.

I guess you just stop feeling things, you stop caring about what happens and you just let life happen. Not so much in a good way where you throw your worries into the wind, kick back and let life carry you on a soft swooping cloud, but rather where you crash to the ground and you lay in the crater you've created, having completely lost the will to get up. I guess that’s the worst part when you don’t know if you wanna get up again, because you've been here before, and last time you got up, and well here you are again, so clearly something’s not working. And it’s that realization that starts you on this downward spiral, where you wonder what would happen if you ceased to exist, because you don’t feel like you’re living anymore, rather you’re just watching life pass you by and you can’t help but wonder what the point is, and if there ever will be a point or if anyone would even notice your absence because you just feel like an empty, useless furniture.

a letter for someone i've never met

To my one and only,


I have been longing for you ever since I knew how it was to long for someone. To many shooting stars, in birthday candles, and in dandelions I have wished for you. For you are out there somewhere, far away in time and place, but you are also here in my heart. Shakespeare said: Journeys end in lovers meeting. I cannot see you yet. The end for us is a long way ahead, but even now I am walking to you my love. Every day, every step, every beat of my heart, I know that the Lord is bringing me nearer to you. The road is long and sometimes I am weary. I long for you so much it feels like I am holding my breath. I long for you to be here, to be near, to be known. I can only dream you, and wish you and wait for you.


So patiently, I will wait . For I know – I am sure – every second of the wait will be worth it. I’ll hold true to the promise I’ve made. For that promise is sacred and it is not in vain. I put my faith to the author of love, of this love, that He will see us through.


I will pray for you as I am waiting. I hope you will (pray) and are (waiting), too. ‘Cause as I walk this road there are still many steps to take, many other paths to go through. As I dream of finding you, there are still other dreams to reach and destinies to be realized. For when I finally find you, I want to be ready. Ready to take on our destiny. God will lead us to that, in perfect time. And when that time comes, I know it will be grand and far-reaching than what I’ve ever dreamed of. Until then, I will be here, praying and steadfastly waiting. I will keep on longing for you and wishing on stars and dandelions, until every wish comes true and I will finally meet you.


Patiently waiting,
BoySabaw