the battle between the heart and the mind.

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you supposedly know what the right thing to do is? yet after you're done with that decision you feel terribly wrong about it and you feel as if you got cheated out of life? Situations where you sacrifice your own happiness, your own well-being to make other people happy? Situations where in your mind you're just absolutely right, but completely wrong in your heart. Logically sound yet emotionally crushing choices.


Did you ever wonder if it was the right choice? How do you decide which one to go with? Which one can you live with more? In one corner you can breathe easy knowing that you did the right thing but at the same time, despite the "clear conscience" so to speak, you are just devastated, like there's a big gaping hole in your chest. You find yourself constantly looking back and thinking "did I really make the right choice?". If it was the right choice why does it feel so bad? 


On the other hand, would you be able to live with yourself if you went with the emotional choice? The "screw everyone else, I want to be happy" choice? Maybe you're happy, maybe 1 other person is happy. But what about everyone else? Is it justifiable to save your own heart and break others in the process? Would you be able to sleep at night knowing that you saved yourself and completely damned others who were already in distress?


Maybe there is no right choice, maybe it's just a matter of sucking up to the consequences of whatever action that you do. Maybe at the end of the day all you really need is strength to fight for what you really believe in. Courage despite the seemingly impossible odds. Determination for what you really want more. 


Is it wrong to think that maybe, just maybe God values you fighting for your own happiness just as much as fighting for other peoples' happiness? Maybe there is no high ground. Maybe it's just two different islands both on the same level, just take your pick at which island it is that you want to be at. 


Another question I have in my head is, if you already picked one island, is it too late to go back to the other?


At the very end of writing all of this I discovered one thing..






Clarity is a bitch to find.

unwritten

There's a million things that I haven't said to you, and I hope that somehow you actually get to read this, so this one's for you.


I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't find the courage to stand up for you. I hope you know that it's not because of a lack of love, but it's because a different kind of love is conflicting with my standing up for you. I know that this may seem unfair to you, and trust me it's unfair for me too, but one of the things I've learned is that things are almost always never fair. This may seem trivial to you and you may not understand it but I hope that one day you will. 


I'm sure that as of this point you're questioning exactly how deep my love for you is so let me try to point out a fraction of the things that I loved about you, because I don't think any website could handle the amount of things that I'd have to type in to describe the way I feel about you and the things that I love about you.


I loved the way you smell. I know this sounds silly but with or without perfume your scent always haunts me wherever I go, I loved hugging you because it'd give me the chance to catch a whiff of your scent. It calms me down, it lets me know that no matter how tough my day is, was or will be it'll get better soon. It sends shivers up and down my head that I just can't explain. Just the thought of it already makes me smile. 


I loved how I could tell the way you were feeling by looking at your feet, I'd know if you were excited or amazingly happy when your feet would start tapping away like crazy, it's almost like you were trying to imitate the penguin dance from happy feet and with that of course comes this amazing smile that you have. A smile that just takes peoples' breath away. It's not one of those generic "I need to look good for a photo" smiles, but a genuine heartfelt beaming smile. It was always something I worked hard on because I loved seeing that smile on your face. It was always rewarding for me because I felt that I just saved the world whenever I'd see that smile on your face.


I loved how every time we'd see each other it felt like we hadn't seen each other in years. You'd jump up and down all excited to see me and I'd just be smiling at you deliriously happy to see me. And for some odd reason every time you'd say "what" your tongue would sort of stick out. That for me was just extraordinarily cute. 


I loved how you'd call me while I was still sleeping even if it was already lunch time, telling me that you miss me and that you were on your way to my house to bring me food, I still think about that every time someone calls me when I'm asleep, secretly hoping that it's you.


I loved how random we could be and how we could spend hours in the car just parked somewhere and we'd be talking about whatever it is that we wanted to talk about from the most mundane things up to the most relevant issues.


I loved how you understood my being a geek, not everyone gets that. And not only did you understand it, you actually immersed yourself in it. Graphic novels and playing computer games wasn't exactly in your vocabulary but you got yourself into it. 


I loved how I could be so open to you about whatever it is that I was feeling and that I could tell you anything, no matter how stupid it sounded. You still listened.


I loved how you made me feel like I was part of your family.


I loved how you made me feel complete, despite whatever crap I was going through back then.


I loved how you forgave me despite my many unforgivable moments of idiocy. That's something not everyone can do.


I know you've found someone new, and trust me when I say I'm not writing this to bring you back or to confuse you. I'm simply writing this to let you know once and for all what exactly I'm going through without you. I wish you luck and I pray to God that the lucky guy you're with right now sees all the wonderful things that I saw in you. Like everything else I wrote earlier, I wish I could say I loved you, but I can't because..


I still do.

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this is from an anonymous blogger. worth sharing. i felt every single line. #emonanaman 

just...yeah.

There are times in your life when you'd imagine that you'd never fall, but then again here's life throwing you a curve ball.


You were fine just the way you were oblivious to emotion, and then the next thing you know in your head, love's the only notion.


You see yourself unsure of where you wanna be, yet you see yourself with this girl and she's constantly in your dreams.


You're walking around in the dark not entirely sure of where you're going, but you don't see it as a bad thing because you're constantly hoping.


You hide your excitement to conceal what you really feel, but you and your friends know the whole darn deal. 


You think she's pretty amazing and disarmingly charming, and when you're around her you always feel your heart pounding. 


You're always thinking of the right words to say around her, but no matter how hard you try your mind always seems to falter. 


Your friends tell you how you should conduct yourself around her, but in your head none of this stuff really matters.


You constantly remind yourself to think of it as a game, but when you try to act suave all that goes through your head is "man, that was lame".


You don't know where this is heading but you hope and pray to God that it won't be a dead end.


You've been down similar roads before but you feel it's different, you hope this time that you've got better judgement.


You can't deny the fact that it makes you a happy camper, though you're scared that this might just turn into another disaster.


So here you are standing at the edge of a cliff thinking about jumping, the only question left is do you think you're worth catching?