Wednesday, May 30, 2012

hopeless.

You’re gone, but I miss you so much that every fragment of my being yearns for your return. Every moment of every day I find myself wishing you were here with me, sitting, laying right beside me. You’ve never seen me cry but I doubt my tears could bring you back. I just can’t understand why it is that I love you so much. It makes me mad sometimes that I just can’t confine you to my past, how could I, when I feel this strongly for you? I remember when I told you I loved you for the first time, you were about to leave and ended up staying for me, I’ve never felt so loved ever. We talked all night and I actually cried, tears of happiness, the one and only time I’ve ever had them.

I feel so hopeless and empty, I miss you, I miss us, I love you and there’s just no way to go back to being us. Even though I know you love me, you can deny it all you want but I’ve seen the look in your eyes, your eyes just don’t lie. Nothing about any of this makes sense, not why we can’t be together, not what went wrong. All I know is there’s nothing I want more than I want you. I just can’t move on and I can’t fathom loving anyone more than I love you. So I’m just here stagnant, drained and broken holding on to a glimmer of hope that will never materialize into anything. Our love is like a dying orchid and I’m frantically digging at the earth hoping that deep down there's a bulb waiting to bloom at the turn of spring. I don’t even think I know what I want anymore, all this is just rambling to put my heart at ease because every time I think about you, it beats like crazy, that’s just one symptom of just how much I love you.

I know you’re out there doing good, I’m so proud of you. More than you’ll ever know. But I miss you and I love you probably way too much.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the ironies of life

How do you really mend a broken heart? If your heart needs to be mended, does it also mean you have to start all over again? How can you be whole when it’s been a masquerade of jigsaw puzzles? How can you share when there’s a part of you that’s empty?

How can you be loyal when there were betrayals? How can you be happy when circumstances brought you a lingering sadness? How can you be able to share when you were deprived of; where can you find the sense of belonging in parting?How can you go on loving when there’s so much crippling pain inside? How can you be understanding when you were failed to be understood? How can you be patient when time tested you?

How can you be strong when your spirits and will were weakened? How can you be wise when your craving for discoveries were taken away from you? How can you crave for more when you were offered less? How can you be peaceful amidst the misery?

How can you stop living on the shadow of the past when the present is bleak? Where’s clarity in confusion? What is there to hold in the future when you don’t know how to begin the present?

Is life really a warfare of choices? A warfare of ironies?…

Why do we need to fall down to know the overflowing joy in rising? Why do we have to be rejected to know in the end that we were accepted?

Why do we have to be defeated to feel the essence of winning? Why do we need to be fair amidst indifferences? Where are you going to pull the humility after being belittle?

Do you really have to lose in order to victor? Do you have to be cold to savor warmth after? Do you really have to be shaken in order to be intact? Do you sometimes need to be blinded to appreciate what is beautiful? Do you really need to understand the complexities to appreciate what’s incremental? Do you need to be tough just to bend a little in the end?

Which is really far more important — is it the destination or the journey you take? Which choice are you going to pick — something comforting but not satisfying or something satisfying but not comforting?

What lies between passion and lust? Between hatred and anger? Discontentment and hunger? What is the thin line between obsession and power?Between betrayal and wants?

What are we being offered of — is it patience or a chance to be patient? Is it wisdom or the opportunity to be wise enough? Is it love or the chance to be loved? Is it stardom or the the opportunity to shine? Is it competition or the strong urge to outshine others?

How do you know what is right when you don’t know what is wrong or how righteousness is being gauge?

How do you define unconditional love — is it when there are no conditions set or when you’re conditioned to love unconditionally?

Ahhh…..we live in ironies and whether we like it or not we make choices out of these ironies…The consequences?…It’s another tale of ironies.


author: blue autumn31

Saturday, May 12, 2012

date a girl who reads

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

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thanks to Ms.Anna Gacis sa pagpayag na i-post ko dito sa blog ko yung entry mo. :)