the reflection

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself. Instead I see a ghost of me, or rather who I want to be. Standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, looking on in disgust. Sometimes this being screams discouraging messages. And sometimes he appears with a discouraging look upon his face, as if to judge me for every decision I’m about to make. Sometimes I feel like I've let myself down. More often than I’d like perhaps. But I guess sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t see what others see in me. Instead I see what I have failed in doing. Failed in becoming. And what I've let myself become.

Sooner or later I'll start to believe this person, who isn't quite me, but on some level someone I’d like to be, yet somehow I also dislike, because he’s cold and callous, he is without heart and emotion. He is strong and fearless. Without attachments that the physical embodiment of me is so tied to. He’s everything I’m not. So I start to feel what he thinks I am. Weak, ugly, easily manipulated, stupid. Only now do I realize that maybe I’m starting to let this manifestation of what he tells me I am become true.

mess

Everyone told me how beautiful you were. But I failed to grasp what a mess you were and still are. I mean I knew your life was complicated, nothing about you was ever simple and nothing about us was ever easy. But I guess that’s what I loved about you, you made me feel alive, and everything we had and everything we were I had to work hard for, to prove to you that I was worthy of you. Even though I probably never was. You were a beautiful mess and I wanted more than anything to fix you, to make you whole again. I guess I never did grasp that in doing so, in attempting to anyway, you had the capacity to make a mess out of me.

I’m not blaming you for everything that went down and it isn’t your fault, because that’s just life, you feed off it and shit happens. But I don’t think you’ll ever truly lay hold of what it did to me and how it will continue to define me. When I look at him I am reminded that he is everything I’m not, how much better you two look together than we did. I guess I now constantly live in fear that no matter how hard and how much I can love someone, there will always be someone better waiting to snatch it away from me. Because of us, because of you, I am unable to feel worthy, worthy of loving anyone, worthy of being loved. Because I’ll always feel like they’re holding back, waiting in the clutches of hope that there’s someone better just around the corner. I’ve never felt like I deserved much in life, I always believed that things are earned, never deserved, but it’s completely another thing to feel like you deserve nothing and your efforts to earn something couldn’t earn you a single grain of sand because you are that unworthy of anything.

You were a beautiful mess and all I wanted to do was love you, even though everyone told me I shouldn’t. You were a beautiful mess that I wanted to fix and instead, blinded by your beauty I let you make a mess out of me, unlike you, I am not befitting of any beauty. A mess is all I am now, with no one to fix me.

kontra-sabaw. :)

You're good, but you're going to be great. You're the best, but you're going to get better. Sometimes the paths we take are long and hard, but remember: those are always the ones that lead to the most beautiful views. Challenges come along, inevitably; how you respond to them determines who you are - deep down inside - and everything you're going to be. Increase the chances of reaching your goals by working at them gradually. The very best you can do is all that is asked of you. Realize that you are capable of working miracles of your own making. Remember that opportunities have a reason for knocking on your door, and the right ones are there for the taking. You don't always have to win, but you do need to know what it takes to be a winner. It's up to you to find the key that unlocks the door to a more fulfilling life. Understand that increased difficulty brings you nearer to the truth of how to survive it - and get beyond it. Cross your bridges. Meet your challenges. Reach out for your dreams, and bring them closer and closer to heart. Get rid of the "if only's," and get on whatever you need to do to get things right. Go after what you want in life, with all the blessings of all the people who care about you. And find out what making your wishes come really feels like. -Collin Mccarty