bystander.

I don’t so much feel like I’m living my own life, rather I feel like a bystander in it. Sometimes it’s very easy to feel like a ghost, I even have to question whether people can actually see me and I guess in doing so I begin to wonder if I matter in the slightest. Or whether I exist like a furniture while life happens around me. I've long since held the belief that I don’t belong here, and I don’t belong in this time and perhaps I was never meant to be. Because most of the time my life feels like a cheap scene from a drama where they show the main character standing still, or doing something in real time while camera trickery shows everything around him happening in fast forward. The thing is it can be very real, you can sit and just watch life happen as nothing more than a bystander in it all.

I guess you just stop feeling things, you stop caring about what happens and you just let life happen. Not so much in a good way where you throw your worries into the wind, kick back and let life carry you on a soft swooping cloud, but rather where you crash to the ground and you lay in the crater you've created, having completely lost the will to get up. I guess that’s the worst part when you don’t know if you wanna get up again, because you've been here before, and last time you got up, and well here you are again, so clearly something’s not working. And it’s that realization that starts you on this downward spiral, where you wonder what would happen if you ceased to exist, because you don’t feel like you’re living anymore, rather you’re just watching life pass you by and you can’t help but wonder what the point is, and if there ever will be a point or if anyone would even notice your absence because you just feel like an empty, useless furniture.