Monday, December 24, 2012

forget me.


I don’t recall asking much of you, I didn't ask for you to love me, I didn't ask to be in your thoughts all the time, nor did I ask you to be there continually. The one thing that I did ask of you was for you to never forget me, mostly because above all you were a dear friend to me. You gave me your word that I could never be forgotten, you told me that nothing could wipe me from your memory, that nothing could take my place and nothing would ever hold the same meaning as I do. I think you kept true to your word, but it’s not at all how I imagined.

It’s true that you haven’t forgotten me, even though its been a year since we meant anything to each other, it’s been a year since we've talked properly . You haven’t forgotten me, but it’s not in the way I imagined, I wanted you to remember the happiness I brought you, all the times you smiled because of me and all the memories we created together. But I guess when I asked you to never forget me you interpreted it in entirely the wrong way. I wanted to be remembered, instead you remember me most only when you’re lonely, when the world you've so meticulously crafted crumbles around you, that’s when you remember me. When you have nowhere else to go, that’s when you remember me, when no one else will listen, that’s when you remember me. You run to me when your world is broken and you forget me when it becomes mended.

I don’t know why I so badly wanted you to remember me, I guess I figured memories would be the only thing left of us, and in time they too would be forgotten, so I wanted you to remember me. And it seems I was right, you forgot what it means to be a friend, our friendship was forgotten with ease and all you remember is me as a safe haven when all else smolders around your feet. I don’t want to be remembered when you’re broken and weak. I have only ever asked you to remember me, I have asked nothing more and I promised I would never ask any more of you, except now, I need to ask you one last thing, because I need you to free me from this imprisonment that I am so helpless to run from, I need you to do one last thing for me and Lord knows I’m owed that much, I need you to forget me.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Cycle

There are a few of us in this world that hide in our own shadows, afraid to let anyone see us in our true form. I've always been afraid of letting people in, most of the time without any real reason. On some level I guess I've always believed that if people got to see the real me they wouldn't like me very much, because, well, I don’t like me very much, so who else would? I was once told that there are two types of people in the world, those that see faults in themselves and those that see faults in others, I've always assumed that those that keep my company are that of the latter and therefore if I want to keep those that I love nearest I cannot let them see me in my truest self.

From a young age I learned that people can walk into your life with great ease and they can be taken from you with greater ease. Some are taken by cruel twists of fate and others leave of their own accord, nothing is permanent and no bond lasts forever. I guess it was at that young age I learned that I could cushion the blow, by not allowing anyone to get too close.


Something that I've never really been able to understand is how a person can hurt you so easily after spending years trying to work their way into your heart. In time you let them in, allowing them to undress your heart layer by layer until you are completely and utterly defenseless  Naked. At a point where they could just stop your heart completely and if they so desired and you’d let them with no fight at all, because you've given your heart to them in every sense of the word. But they don’t, they don’t stop your heart beating, instead they wreak havoc upon it. They don’t stop it beating, they simply make every beat more and more painful than the last. And I guess as you sit there nursing your wounds in agony you begin to wonder how they managed to work their way so deep into your heart, especially when you've always been so careful as to who you let wander near, and then every loving word they ever told you just becomes but another spit of venom that burned it’s way through your defenses until you were naked.

I guess in time someone else will come along and they are willing to love you, devoted to finding their way through the mazes you've erected for added security, but it becomes just too difficult to penetrate. And sometimes despite the difficulty they stick around, because they are determined, but to you they’re just trying to clean up a mess that someone else left in the wake of it all. Sometimes they let you into their heart before they've found a way in yours and once in that position you do what has been done to you because that’s all you really know and have known. And I guess that’s where the most vicious of circles begins, the circle of heartbreak, distrust, distress and agony.

Occasionally you find compassion and open your heart to them as they have to you, and perhaps that is where the truest of all love is born, but that really is a rare thing and you realize someday soon you will have to mourn them, or worse they will have to mourn you.

from an anonymous blogger

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Music


The power of music is undeniably strong; it can be of great inspiration but it can demoralize too, it can be the cause of great joy but it can also be the cause of great sorrow. It can be the small thing that underpins a great day, just there in the background but yet somehow it’s the one thing that holds the whole moment together. It can be the conversation when no words are spoken and you just stand there together dancing, the music just sinking into you. Music can be company when no one else is anywhere to be seen, it can be your lullaby when there is no one to sing to you anymore.

Music doesn’t change; music doesn’t grow and evolve to suit your life, when you change, when you grow those songs you once held so dear stay forever the same. A song recorded the year you met your lover will always sound the same, each chord the same as it was when first played. No, music does not change. But the way in which you hear it does. The feelings and the emotions music can make erupt from you can change. A song you once loved can become the bane of your existence. We attach feelings to music and when those feelings are damaged, broken or otherwise abused, that song that you once loved will never be heard the same way again.

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Sabaw Song of the Week



.
Stay
by Sara Bareilles

Saturday, empty room, filled with people 
It don't mean a thing to
You and I, holding hands
Nobody knows, nobody understands
I don't care for sunlight
That only means it's over
And I'm in no mood for that

Stay tonight
Don't come morning, don't come light
They may be lies, say it, say that we'll be alright
If we stay tonight

My hands are shaking
This is a complicated love with me
Keep your eyes closed, I've seen it baby
I've seen where this goes

Stay tonight
Don't come morning, don't come light
They may be lies, but say that we'll be alright
If we stay tonight

Gonna feel it baby
Oh I don't wanna cry
I know we'll get to tomorrow and say goodbye
That's what I'm asking for
Tonight

Stay tonight
Don't come morning, don't come light
They may be lies but say that we'll be alright
Say that we're gonna be alright
Tonight

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I give. You take. Then you walked away.


I gave you my all, every ounce I had to give I gave and all you did was take. But no matter how much I gave, regardless that I had nothing left to give it was never enough. There was nothing in me left to give, sometimes you made it seem like if I had ripped out my still beating heart and placed it in your hands it wouldn't have been enough. I give, you take, and in the end you walked away.

I get that you were afraid to give, you were afraid to trust me with what you had to give but that was no excuse to just walk away without a single word to say. By the end of it, I had given you everything so when you walked away I had nothing left to make you stay.

So what gives you the right to show up at my door, what gives you the right to touch me. What makes you think I would ever want you back. You can fall to your feet, you can cry and make everyone think that I am without heart, but only you know that I don’t even have a heart to give anymore, it wasn’t enough back then and now it’s no longer my own to give.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

No words. No ink.


We talk but its never like it used to be, its idle chatter based on the current affairs of opinions, our conversations are nowhere near as deep, as meaningful as they used to be. We could talk all day long and now it would mean nothing, we could talk all night long and it would not blow us away, because when it comes to you there are no words anymore. No words. I just don’t know what to say to you anymore. I don’t have anything left in me, no feelings, no emotions, nothing towards you. Our conversations are not even near deep as the conversations I have with my barber. I never thought it would ever be like this, but what can I say, I can’t even write about you anymore because it sounds nothing but cliched. 

In the months since we closed the book and set it ablaze, I let myself bleed and it all came gushing out like a severed wound, I bled the words I wish I had said, I bled all the things we dreamed, and they all gushed out in letters completely incomprehensible. And as I scoured over them with a fine toothed comb I formed words, which became sentences and paragraphs, entire novels and from that I gain perspective, understanding and most of all closure. In time I bled every ounce of blood I had, and that blood became ink to a pen that told my story, but now there is nothing left to be said, there are no words. No blood left to bleed, nothing to ink my pen. I question whether a story ends when the pen runs dry or if there is more to be said. Perhaps when a story is cut short as the pen runs dry it becomes time to venture out into the world and begin another adventure that results in as much ink as the last one did, from which another story may begin to be told, or one can continue from where he left off. In any case I’m out of ink. 

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Past.


The past walks behind us like a shadow, in certain light this shadow that barks at our heels becoming more prominent, its presence becoming ever more known. Haunting and taunting at our feet, it is always there, and I think it is in our biology to look back, making sure that we do not become prey to the past that stalks us. Sometimes we run from it, but we always make sure that the past stays behind us, we make sure, or rather we try our hardest to make sure it never catches up with us.

Some of us grow to truly fear our past, because we left things unresolved. But I think the past can only be the past if we leave it there, behind us. In essence I think the past is like a stray dog, if you look back at it enough times it will start to follow you, eventually it will come to walk beside you and that past you thought you left behind can easily become your present, simply because you spent too long looking back, attracting the attention of what once was to come haunting back at you.

Maybe the past isn’t always so scary, so haunting, maybe looking back reminds you of an old friend once lost, and in doing so it provokes you to find that which you once lost. But I find it funny how we pretend that we had left the past behind, and are surprised when it creeps back on us, the thing is some of us never truly leave things behind. We keep looking back, we keep regretting what was, and in doing so we leave a window open to let the past back in. When you let go, when you stop fearing, stop looking back and regretting, that is when the past truly becomes the past and stays there. But you check back on it every once in a while, to make sure its still there, because after all the past is what defines your future, because the past was once your future.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Top Lolo/Lola Moments

Nakita ko ito mula sa isang blog at dahil mabenta siya para sa akin at tawa ako ng tawa nung binabasa ko ito, gusto ko siyang i-share dito sa blog ko. Tingin ko ay galing ito sa The Morning Rush ng Monster Radio RX 93.1. Tara, sabawan tayo. :D


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1.In Wowowee, an old lady was given money by Willie Revillame. When asked what she’d do with it, she said, “Ibibili ko ng kabaong ko.” So heartbreaking.

2.A certain lola manghuhula keeps on saying “May asim pa ako!”  But I bet the only asim you’d find in her is in her kilikili.

3.My parents don’t know I’m gay. But one night, I was fixing myself in front of the mirror in my lola’s room, and she said out of nowhere, “Laging mag-iingat…uso ang AIDS ngayon…”

4.Apo: “Lolo, penge pong pera pambili ng chichirya.” 
Lolo: “Apo, hindi na uso yan!” 
Apo: “Eh ano na po ang uso?” 
Lolo: “Chiskar.”

Apo: “Lolo, ano pong ulam? De lata po ba?”
Lolo: “Apo, hindi na uso yan!” 
Apo: “Eh ano na po ang uso? 
Lolo: “Kang Gud.”

5.May nakilala ako na lolo na laging nagkukuwento na nakaka-chicks pa daw siya. Pero I’m sure, balahibo na lang ang tumatayo sa kanya, at mukha na lang ang nagagalit.

6.It was my lolo’s birthday and I gave him a gift out of my own money for the very first time. When I gave it to him, he just put it aside, as if he didn’t care. But when he thought I wasn’t looking, he opened it excitedly, like a little boy.

7.Lola comes out of bathroom screaming: “Dalhin niyo ako sa duktor!” Apo: “Bakit po lola?” Lola: “Yung ihi ko kulay BLUE!!!” Lola did not realize na Toilet Duck lang yun.

8.Everytime I come home late, my Lola would say: “Balang-araw, magkakaanak ka rin. Panalangin namin ng nanay mo, na sana matulad sila sa iyong haliparot ka!”

9.I once asked my lola: “Magmamahal pa kaya ako nang lubos?” Sagot nya: “Apo…eh ano naman ngayon kung magmahal ang pulbos?”

10.During their 50th anniversary, my grandpa was asked to give a speech. He said: “50 years ago, when I married her, I tried to imagine her face 50 yrs later. Today, as I look at her, I’m just so glad that my imagination didn’t fail me.”

11.My lola knows that I love nuts. One time, she gave me a cupful of peanuts. Pagkain ko, I noticed that the peanuts were wet. Yun pala, galing sa kinakain niyang chocolates. Dahil wala siyang ngipin, sinisipsip lang niya yung chocolate, tapos dinudura yung peanuts.

12.In our province, there were no water pipes set up yet, so when word got out that they’re setting up water pipes, everyone was excited. Except for my 76-year-old lola who said: “Asus, ang tagal na nilang sinasabi yan! Di na ko naniniwala. Wala pa kong bulb*l sinasabi na nila yan!”

13.A friend’s lolo has a private nurse. One bath time he seated the naked lolo on a monobloc chair, para madaling paliguan. Kaso, one of his “eggs” slid into one of the chair’s slots. So when the nurse pulled the poor old man to stand him up, he let out a scream!

14.One time my lola asked me, “Apo, puwede ba tayo magmerienda ng banana chu?” I answered, “Lola, banana cue po.” She said, “Oo nga, banana chu.”  I let it go and bought the snack.  After I gave her the food, she said, “Tenchu apo ko, tenchu!”

15.During my Tita’s house blessing, when everyone entered her bedroom with a waterbed, my 80-year-old Lola shouted, “Naku, mahirap mag-sex diyan!”

16.My lola was taking so long writing with a pen in a bank, so an American asked her: “Are you done?” My lola answered: “No, I’m not Dan, I’m Norma.”

17.I overheard a lolo saying in a record bar: “Miss meron ba kayo nung Ja Calling? Pinapahanap ng apo ko.” Turned out he was lookin for Ja Rule’s & The Calling’s albums. Ang bastos tuloy ng dating.

18.When I was at 168 with my lola, I got into an argument with the saleslady.  My lola told her, “Wag mong awayin ang apo ko! Kahit pangit yan, Atenista yan!”

19.My lola lived till 103 just 2 years ago. When she turnd 100, she said, “Nakalimutan na ako ni LORD…”

20.Nagtatanim si lolo nang mapansin ni lola na wala namang butong tinatanim. Lola: “Dad, wala ka namang tinatanim ah?” Lolo: “Kaya nga seedless grapes, eh!”

21.My lola sings their theme song every night before she sleeps, even if my lolo died 7 years ago.

22.I overheard my lolo and lola talking. My lola wasn’t paying much attention, so my lolo said “Oy, hindi ka naman nakikinig eh!” My lola said, “Nakikinig ako.” Then my lolo goes, “Sige nga, anong huli kong sinabi?” My lola answered, “Eh di, ‘hindi ka naman nakikinig eh!’ Odiba?”

23.Lolo: “May malaki akong problema.” Lola: “Wag mo sabihing problema mo lang, problema natin. Nagmamahalan tayo. Ang problem mo, problema ko rin. Ngayon anong problema natin?” Lolo: “Nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama.”

24.I once saw a 60-year-old man na nananawagan on one of the public service programs on TV. He said, “Itay, umuwi na po kayo sa bahay, di na daw galit si lolo sa inyo!”

25.When my lolo was younger, he was asked by a pretty American woman, “Excuse me, can you show me the way to Macabebe? (pronounced as ‘meykabeybey’ with her Amercian accent)” My lolo replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I’m happily married.”

26.Lolo: “Mahal, kuha mo kong ice cream.” Lola: “Sige.” Lolo: “O, baka umandar nanaman yang pagiging ulyanin mo, ha! Ice cream! Wag mong kakalimutan!” Lola: “Oo na, ice cream nga!” (After a few minutes, the lola comes back with a hotdog) Lolo: “Sabi ko na, ulyanin ka eh!” Lola: “Bakit?” Lolo: “nakalimutan mo yung ketchup…”

27.My lolo had a mistress. When my lolo died, his 2nd family went to our mausoleum and saw that there was another empty slot, which of course, was reserved for my lola. The other woman said, “How come there’s none for me?” My lola smiled at her, and calmly told her: “Go ahead…mauna ka na.”

Ang Lalaki sa Ilalim ng Akasya 2

pagpapatuloy...


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Hindi pa man sumisikat ang araw ay lumuwas na kami ni Luisa mula Bulacan patungo ng Batangas. Noong nabasa ko ang sulat ni Nicolas kahapon ay agad ko itong kinuwento kay Luisa kinagabihan pag-uwi niya galing trabaho. Nagiiyakan kami sa lamesa habang kinukwento ko ang lahat ng tungkol sa amin ni Nicolas, ang panloloko ng tatay niya at ang pagkakadiskubre ko sa sulat. Niyakap niya ako at humingi ng tawad para sa ama niya. Pumayag siya na samahan ako papunta ng San Vicente para naman daw makabawi siya para sa pagkakamali ng kanyang ama.


Mahigit apat na oras ang biyahe namin, pero buong paglalakbay ay hindi nawala sa pagkakahawak ko ang sulat ni Nicolas at ang pag-asang magkikita kami. Mahigit sa apat na dekada na kaming hindi nagkikita. Makikilala pa kaya namin ang isa't isa kahit na kulubot na ang mga balat namin, malabo ang mga paningin at hindi na makalakad dahil sa rayuma. Walang tigil sa pagkabog ang dibdib ko pero napapakalma ako sa tuwing maiisip ko si Nicolas. Ang mabait, tahimik at mapagkumbabang si Nicolas.


Magaalas-nuebe na ng makarating kami ng San Vicente. Nagulat ako sa mga pagbabagong nakikita ng mga mata ko. Ibang-iba na ang San Vicente mula noong huli ko itong makita. Marami na ang impluwensya ng makabagong panahon. Hindi ko na matandaan ang daan patungo sa simbahan kaya nagtanong na ang driver ni Luisa. Ilang minuto rin ang nakalipas bago namin nahagilap ang munting simabahan ng San Vicente.


Nagulat ako dahil halos walang nagbago sa simbahan ng bayan, maliban sa sementadong mga poste at ang pagkakaroon ng pader sa tabi ng simabahan na dati ay daanan papunta sa gilid nito kung saan nakatayo ang puno ng akasya. 


Inalalayan ako ni Luisa pababa ng sasakyan. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at nilanghap ang hangin. Biglang nanumbalik sa akin ang alaala ng nakaraan na parang kahapon lang nangyari. Pagmulat ng mga mata ko ay natanaw ko na agad ang matayog na puno ng akasya kahit nahaharangan ito ng pader. Nandito na ako Nicolas....


Mabuti at bukas ang simbahan noong mga oras na iyon. Pagpasok ay nakita namin ang isang dalagang naglilinis ng altar. Napatigil siya sa ginagawa niya at tumingin sa amin.


"Magandang umaga ho. Mamayang alas-onse pa po ang misa." sabi niya.


"Magandang araw din naman iha. Iba ang sadya namin. Magtatanong lang sana ako. May kilala ka bang Nicolas Morales?" tanong ko.


Napatingin sa akin ang dalaga pati kay Luisa. Tila ba gulat na gulat siya.


"Sino po kayo? At ano pong kailangan niyo sa Lolo ko?" tanong niya.


Lolo? May apo na rin si Nicolas.


"Ah, eh, kaibigan ako ng Lolo mo. Ako si Carmela Villaluz. Nandito ba siya?" apelido ko sa pagkadalaga ang ginamit ko bilang pagpapakilala.


 Muling natigilan ang dalaga. Pero nagulat ako ng lumapit siya sa akin at niyakap ako. Tuluyan na siyang umiyak. Nagkatinginan kami ni Luisa.


Hinawakan ko sa balikat ang dalaga at pinatahan. 


"Bakit ka umiiyak iha?" tanong ko


"Hindi nagkamali si Lolo. Bumalik ka nga. Ikaw si Carmela. Ikaw ang matagal nang hinihintay ng lolo ko." umiiyak niyang sabi sa akin


Biglang kumabog ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. 


"Ako nga po pala si Carmela. Pinangalan ako ng lolo ko sa inyo, sabi niya sa akin na ang kapangalan ko daw ay mabait at mapagmahal. Ang tatay ko po ay pamangkin ni Lolo Nicolas." sabi niya


Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko.


"Halina po kayo, sasamahan ko kayo papunta sa kanya. Matagal na po kayong hinihintay ni Lolo. Siguradong matutuwa siya kapag nalaman niyang nandito na po kayo." 


Noong mga oras na iyon ay walang ibang tumatakbo sa isipan ko kundi ang pananabik na makita si Nicolas. Napaghandaan ko na ang sasabihin ko sa kanya.


Magkahawak kamay kami ni Carmela papunta sa gilid na pinto ng simbahan. Doon niya kami dinaan ni Luisa. Bakas din sa mukha ni Luisa ang kaba at pananabik. 


Paglabas namin ay agad kong natanaw ang puno ng akasya. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Habang papalapit kami ay napansin kong may isang lumang upuan sa ilalim ng puno. Hinanap ng mga mata ko si Nicolas pero di ko siya makita. Maaring pumunta lang sa palikuran o naglalakad-lakad.


Pagsapit namin sa puno ay humarap sa akin si Carmela. 


"Nandito na po tayo. Sandali lang po." sabi niya sabay talikod.


Akala ko ay aalis siya para tawagin si Nicolas pero nagulat ako sa ginawa niya. Iniangat niya ang bangko na gawa sa kahoy at may itinuro. Nanlambot ang tuhod ko sa nakita ko, mabuti at naalalayan ako ni Luisa kundi ay maaring natumba ako sa damuhan.


"Lolo, nandito na po siya. Si Carmela. Dumating siya gaya ng lagi mong sinasabi sa akin. Maganda pala siya." sabi ni Carmela habang nakatayo sa tabi ng isang lapida kung saan nakasulat ang pangalan ni Nicolas.


"Isang taon na po ang nakakaraan ng namatay si Lolo sa sakit na Liver Cancer. Pero buong buhay niya ay inilaan niya sa pagpapabalik-balik dito sa puno ng akasya dahil baka daw kapag dumating kayo ay hindi niyo siya makita dito. Hindi na po nakapag-asawa ang Lolo kaya kami na po ni tatay ang nagalaga sa kanya hanggang sa mamatay siya. Bago pa man siya pumanaw ay hiniling niya sa amin na dito siya ilibing sa ilalim ng akasya bilang pagtupad sa pangako niya sa inyo. 


Naikwento po ni Lolo sa akin ang lahat. Sinabi niya pong pagkatapos niyang ipadala yung sulat niya para sa inyo na pinasuyo niya sa kaibigan niyong si Lito ay hindi kayo tumugon. Nagalala siya at gumawa ng paraan para matunton kung saan kayo naninirahan. Pero nabigo si Lolo. Hanggang sa isang araw, nabalitaan niyang ikinasal na kayo kay Lito na labis niyang ikinalungkot. Pero hindi siya nawalan ng pag-asa na darating ang araw na babalik kayo ng San Vicente dahil kailangan niya daw pong humingi ng tawad sa inyo.


Hanggang sa huling mga sandali ni Lolo ay ang pangalan niyo po ang bukambibig niya. Hiniling niya rin na kapag namatay siya ay wag alisin ang upuan na ito dito dahil sabi niya ay dito po kayo uupo para basahin ang tula na ginawa niya para sa inyo." kwento ni Carmela


"Anong tula?" tanong ko


"Sandali lang po at kukunin ko." sabi ni Carmela. Tumakbo siya papasok ng simbahan.


Walang tigil ang pagluha ko sa narinig kong kwento. Hanggang sa huli ay hindi siya bumitaw sa pangako niya. Inalalayan ako ni Luisa palapit sa lapida ni Nicolas. Napaluhod ako sa damuhan at hinawakan ang malamig niyang lapida. Hindi ko siya naabutang buhay para personal na humingi ng tawad at patawarin siya. Hindi ko na nasabi sa kanya na hanggang ngayon ay nasa puso ko pa rin siya. Kinausap ko siya dahil alam kong kung nasaan man siya ngayon ay maririnig niya ako.


"Nicolas, dumating ako. Alam kong matagal kang naghintay sa akin. Patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko ginusto ang mga nangyari noon. Patawad dahil naniwala ako kay Lito. Patawad dahil hindi ako naglakas-loob para ipaglaban ang nararamdaman ko sa iyo dahil akala ko'y si Delia lang ang mahalaga sa iyo. Pero kailanma'y hindi ka nawala sa puso't isipan ko. Oo Nicolas, pinapatawad na rin kita. Naintindihan kita. Sana lang ay naroon ako noong mga panahong kailangan mo ng karamay. Mahal kita, Nicolas." 


"Ma, tama na, ang puso mo, baka kung ano na ang mangyari sa inyo niyan. " umiiyak na pag-awat sa akin ni Luisa. "Halika at maupo ka muna."


Dahan-dahan akong tumayo at lumapit sa upuan ni Nicolas. Dito siya umupo at naghintay sa pagbabalik ko. Itong upuan at ang puno ng akasya ang naging saksi sa paghihintay ni Nicolas. 


Sandali pa'y dumating na si Carmela na may hawak na puting sobre. Agad niya itong iniabot sa akin.


"Sabi ni Lolo kapag dumating daw po kayo ay ibigay ko iyan sa inyo." sabi ni Carmela.


Binuksan ko ang sobre at binasa ang tula.


Carmela,
Kasing ganda mo ang gumamela
Mapagmahal, mapagunawa
Sa'yo ako'y nangungulila
Sa lahat ng kasalanan ko
Ako'y patawarin mo
Sa mga pagkukulang
Sa mga pagkakamali
Buong puso ko'y tumatangis

Sana ito'y mabasa mo
Tinupad ko ang pangako ko
Dito sa akasya, naghintay sa'yo
Ang puso ko'y para sa'yo
Kung sakaling hindi mo ako maabutan
Wag kang matakot,wag kang malungkot
Hindi mo man ako makita
Tandaan mong palagi akong narito
Kaisa ng hangin
Kaisa ng mga bituin
Kaisa ng puno ng akasya
Na saksi sa maliligaya nating alaala.



-wakas-



Ang Lalaki sa Ilalim ng Akasya 1

unang bahagi


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Maalinsangan ang panahon sa bayan ng San Vicente, Batangas. Matindi ang sikat ng araw at walang masyadong hangin na umiihip. Karamihan ng mga residente ay mas pinipiling manatili sa kanilang mga tahanan samantalang ang iba naman ay nagtatampisaw sa ilog na dumadaloy sa paanan ng bundok. Maliban sa isang matandang lalaki na nakaupo sa ilalim ng puno ng akasya malapit sa maliit na simbahan ng bayan ng San Vicente. Presko mula sa kinauupuan ng matanda, malilim dahil sa mga dahon at sanga na tila pananggala sa sikat ng haring araw. Sa isang lumang silya na gawa sa narra siya nakaupo na hiniram niya sa simbahan, sa paanan niya ay nakahiga ang baston na binigay ng pamangkin niyang si Kato. Malamlam ang mga mata ng matanda, kulay puti na ang buhok at kulubot na ang dating mestisohing balat. Nakatanaw siya sa kalsada sa harap ng simbahan na tila may hinihintay. Napabuntong hininga siya.


----------


2008


Pinindot ko ang switch ng ilaw. Sandaling nagpatay-sindi ang bumbilya bago tuluyang magliwanag. Tumambad sa akin ang salansan ng mga kahong puno ng mga lumang kagamitan na matagal nang itinambak ng asawa kong si Lito. Maalikabok na at puro agiw na ang kisame ng attic. Simula nung magkarayuma ako ay bihira na akong umakyat dito para maglinis. Wala naman kasi pwedeng maglinis dito. Ang anak kong si Luisa ay abala sa trabaho niya samantalang ang mga anak niyang sina Gabriel at Melissa na bukod sa mga tamad kapag inuutusan, ay abala sa pag-aaral. Noong nabubuhay pa si Lito ay siya ang madalas maglinis dito pero nung namatay siya noong isang taon, bihira nang may umakyat dito.


Ngayon nga ay nandito ako para hanapin ang lumang makinilya ni Lito na plano kong ibenta sa isang antique shop. Sinumulan ko nang magbukas ng mga kahon. Nakita ko ang mga luma naming kasangkapan sa bahay, mga sirang appliances, mga babasagin at kung anu-anong abubot. Sa isang sulok ay napansin ko ang isang kulay pulang kahon na kasinlaki ng mga kahon ng sapatos. Kinuha ko ito at binuksan.


Nakita ko sa loob ang mga luma naming larawan ni Lito, noong mga binata't dalaga pa kami, pati mga larawan noong namanhikan sila. May mga greeting cards din at bookmarks. Sa pinakailalim ay may isang puting sobre. Kinuha ko ito at nagulat ako ng makitang nakapangalan ito sa akin. May punit na ang kabilang dulo ng sobre, tanda na may nakabasa na nito. Inisip kong mabuti kung may natanggap akong ganitong sulat noon pero wala akong maalala. Kinuha ko ang papel sa loob at binuklat ito. Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago binasa ang sulat.




Oktubre 23, 1957


Para sa'yo Carmela,


Kamusta ka na? Sana ay nasa mabuti kang kalagayan habang binabasa mo ang aking liham. Nabalitaan ko mula sa kaibigan nating si Lito na lumipat na kayo sa Bulacan noong nakaraang buwan para diyan ipagpatuloy ang iyong pagaaral. Nakisuyo na rin ako sa kanya na ibigay sa'yo itong sulat bilang pupunta daw siya diyan para dalawin ka. Pagbutihin mo sa iyong pagaaral para matupad mo ang pangarap mong maging dentista.


Oo nga pala, mahigit isang linggo na simula noong nakabalik ako dito sa San Vicente. Sayang nga at hindi na tayo nagkita. Sumulat ako sa'yo para ibahagi ang mga nangyari sa akin at para sabihin ang isang mahalagang bagay.


Hindi naging maganda ang kapalaran ko sa Maynila. Kung matatandaan mo, sinabi ko sa'yo na ang dahilan ko ng pagpunta sa Maynila ay para mag-aral at tuparin ang mga pangarap ko, gaya nung lagi nating pinaguusapan sa ilalim ng akasya. Pero may isang bagay akong hindi sinabi sa'yo. Pumunta din ako sa Maynila para sundan si Delia. Naisip ko na kapag ginawa ko iyon ay mapapatunayan ko ang pagsinta ko sa kanya, na totoo ang nararamdaman ko sa para sa kanya. 


Naghanap muna ako ng trabaho bago ko sinimulang hanapin at ligawan si Delia. Swerteng nakapasok ako bilang isang mensahero sa isang opisina sa Maynila. Nagipon ako para kapag nagkita kami ay maipasyal ko man lang siya o malibre ng pagkain sa labas, at para na rin patunayan na karapat-dapat ako para sa kanya at kaya ko siyang buhayin. Sa di inaasahang pagkakataon ay nagkita kami sa simbahan ng Quiapo. Hindi ko na pinalagpas ang pagkakataon. Pinagtapat ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, ang mga sakripisyong ginawa ko at mga bagay na handa kong gawin para sa kanya. Akala ko ay matutuwa siya, pero nagkamali ako.


Sinabi niyang nakatakda na siyang ipakasal sa isang mayamang Intsik sa Binondo. Inamin niyang gusto niya ako, kahit noong nasa San Vicente pa daw kami, pero naisip niya na kung kami ang magkakatuluyan ay malabong umasenso siya sa buhay at hindi matupad ang mga pangarap niya. Naging praktikal lang daw siya. Doon ko napagtantong nagkamali ako ng pagkakakilala sa kanya. Ang babaeng pinapangarap ko na makasama habang buhay, ang babaeng makakasama ko sana sa pagtupad ng mga pangarap ko, ay ang babae rin palang sisira at dudurog nito. Labis akong nasaktan dahil umasa ako. Umasa akong mamahalin niya ako. Umasa akong siya na. Pero hindi iyon nangyari kaya tuluyang gumuho ang mundo ko.


Pagkatapos nun ay naging palainom ako. Gabi-gabi akong naglalasing, nagbabakasakaling mapawi ng alak ang sakit na nadarama ko. Naapektuhan na rin ang trabaho ko at tuluyan akong nasisante. Aaminin ko Carmela, dumating ako sa punto na gusto ko nang wakasan ang buhay ko pero alam mo, bigla kong naalala yung palagi mong sinasabi kapag may problema ako, "Iwan ka man ng mundo Nicolas, nandito ako sa likod mo para alalayan at samahan ka.". Carmela, ang mga salita mong iyon ang naging lakas ko para mabuhay pa. Iyon ang pinanghawakan ko para bumalik at umuwi ng San Vicente. At noong mga oras ding iyon, napagtanto ko ang isa ko pang pagkakamali.


Carmela, patawarin mo ako. Sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa mga pangarap ko at sa sobrang paghanga ko kay Delia ay nakalimutan kong nandiyan ka. Masyado akong nabulag ng hinaharap at hindi ko nakita ang pagmamahal mo para sa akin. Ikaw na palaging nariyan para damayan ako. Ikaw na hindi nagsasawang paalalahanan ako na hindi ako nag-iisa. Ikaw na binabalewala ko. Naging bingi ako, naging bulag at naging inutil. Sa kakahanap ko ng pag-ibig, hindi ko nakitang nasa harap lang pala kita. Patawarin mo ako Carmela.


Ngayong nakabalik na ako ng San Vicente, aabangan ko ang muli mong pagbabalik. Tuparin mo muna ang mga pangarap mo. At kapag handa ka nang patawarin ako, alam mo kung saan ako matatagpuan, sa paborito nating tambayan, sa ilalim ng puno ng akasya, hihintayin kita dito, pangako yan. At kapag dumating ang panahon na magkita at magkausap tayo, hihingi ako sa'yo ng tawad at makikiusap ng isa pang pagkakataon.


Mag-iingat ka palagi.


Sumasaiyo,
Nicolas.

----------

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga nabasa ko. Hindi ko na napigilang umiyak. Halong galit at lungkot ang nadarama ko. Hindi ako makapaniwalang itinago sa akin ni Lito ang liham na ito ni Nicolas. Nabuhay ako sa kasinungalingan ni Lito sa loob ng mahigit apatnapung taon. Hindi pala totoo ang sinabi niyang nagpakasal na sa Maynila si Nicolas kay Delia. Kung alam ko lang ang katotohanan, sana'y hindi ako pumayag noong ipinakasal ako ng mga magulang ko kay Lito. Pero huli na ang lahat, matagal nang pumanaw si Lito para magalit pa ako sa kanya. Pero ang importante ay nalaman ko ang katotohanan. Pero mahigit apat na dekada na ang sulat na ito, hinihintay pa rin kaya ako ni Nicolas? Si Nicolas, ang lalaking minahal ko at hanggang ngayon ay may puwang sa puso ko. 


Babalik ako ng San Vicente. Gusto kong makausap si Nicolas, gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa kanya at magpaliwanag. Alam kong maraming taon na ang lumipas pero kilala ko siya. Tumutupad siya sa kung ano mang ipinangako niya. Antayin mo ako Nicolas, antayin mo ako sa ilalim ng puno ng akasya.


itutuloy...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

the battle between the heart and the mind.


Have you ever been faced with a situation where you supposedly know what the right thing to do is? yet after you're done with that decision you feel terribly wrong about it and you feel as if you got cheated out of life? Situations where you sacrifice your own happiness, your own well-being to make other people happy? Situations where in your mind you're just absolutely right, but completely wrong in your heart. Logically sound yet emotionally crushing choices.


Did you ever wonder if it was the right choice? How do you decide which one to go with? Which one can you live with more? In one corner you can breathe easy knowing that you did the right thing but at the same time, despite the "clear conscience" so to speak, you are just devastated, like there's a big gaping hole in your chest. You find yourself constantly looking back and thinking "did I really make the right choice?". If it was the right choice why does it feel so bad? 


On the other hand, would you be able to live with yourself if you went with the emotional choice? The "screw everyone else, I want to be happy" choice? Maybe you're happy, maybe 1 other person is happy. But what about everyone else? Is it justifiable to save your own heart and break others in the process? Would you be able to sleep at night knowing that you saved yourself and completely damned others who were already in distress?


Maybe there is no right choice, maybe it's just a matter of sucking up to the consequences of whatever action that you do. Maybe at the end of the day all you really need is strength to fight for what you really believe in. Courage despite the seemingly impossible odds. Determination for what you really want more. 


Is it wrong to think that maybe, just maybe God values you fighting for your own happiness just as much as fighting for other peoples' happiness? Maybe there is no high ground. Maybe it's just two different islands both on the same level, just take your pick at which island it is that you want to be at. 


Another question I have in my head is, if you already picked one island, is it too late to go back to the other?


At the very end of writing all of this I discovered one thing..






Clarity is a bitch to find.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

unwritten


There's a million things that I haven't said to you, and I hope that somehow you actually get to read this, so this one's for you.


I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't find the courage to stand up for you. I hope you know that it's not because of a lack of love, but it's because a different kind of love is conflicting with my standing up for you. I know that this may seem unfair to you, and trust me it's unfair for me too, but one of the things I've learned is that things are almost always never fair. This may seem trivial to you and you may not understand it but I hope that one day you will. 


I'm sure that as of this point you're questioning exactly how deep my love for you is so let me try to point out a fraction of the things that I loved about you, because I don't think any website could handle the amount of things that I'd have to type in to describe the way I feel about you and the things that I love about you.


I loved the way you smell. I know this sounds silly but with or without perfume your scent always haunts me wherever I go, I loved hugging you because it'd give me the chance to catch a whiff of your scent. It calms me down, it lets me know that no matter how tough my day is, was or will be it'll get better soon. It sends shivers up and down my head that I just can't explain. Just the thought of it already makes me smile. 


I loved how I could tell the way you were feeling by looking at your feet, I'd know if you were excited or amazingly happy when your feet would start tapping away like crazy, it's almost like you were trying to imitate the penguin dance from happy feet and with that of course comes this amazing smile that you have. A smile that just takes peoples' breath away. It's not one of those generic "I need to look good for a photo" smiles, but a genuine heartfelt beaming smile. It was always something I worked hard on because I loved seeing that smile on your face. It was always rewarding for me because I felt that I just saved the world whenever I'd see that smile on your face.


I loved how every time we'd see each other it felt like we hadn't seen each other in years. You'd jump up and down all excited to see me and I'd just be smiling at you deliriously happy to see me. And for some odd reason every time you'd say "what" your tongue would sort of stick out. That for me was just extraordinarily cute. 


I loved how you'd call me while I was still sleeping even if it was already lunch time, telling me that you miss me and that you were on your way to my house to bring me food, I still think about that every time someone calls me when I'm asleep, secretly hoping that it's you.


I loved how random we could be and how we could spend hours in the car just parked somewhere and we'd be talking about whatever it is that we wanted to talk about from the most mundane things up to the most relevant issues.


I loved how you understood my being a geek, not everyone gets that. And not only did you understand it, you actually immersed yourself in it. Graphic novels and playing computer games wasn't exactly in your vocabulary but you got yourself into it. 


I loved how I could be so open to you about whatever it is that I was feeling and that I could tell you anything, no matter how stupid it sounded. You still listened.


I loved how you made me feel like I was part of your family.


I loved how you made me feel complete, despite whatever crap I was going through back then.


I loved how you forgave me despite my many unforgivable moments of idiocy. That's something not everyone can do.


I know you've found someone new, and trust me when I say I'm not writing this to bring you back or to confuse you. I'm simply writing this to let you know once and for all what exactly I'm going through without you. I wish you luck and I pray to God that the lucky guy you're with right now sees all the wonderful things that I saw in you. Like everything else I wrote earlier, I wish I could say I loved you, but I can't because..


I still do.

--------

this is from an anonymous blogger. worth sharing. i felt every single line. #emonanaman 

Sunday, July 01, 2012

just...yeah.


There are times in your life when you'd imagine that you'd never fall, but then again here's life throwing you a curve ball.


You were fine just the way you were oblivious to emotion, and then the next thing you know in your head, love's the only notion.


You see yourself unsure of where you wanna be, yet you see yourself with this girl and she's constantly in your dreams.


You're walking around in the dark not entirely sure of where you're going, but you don't see it as a bad thing because you're constantly hoping.


You hide your excitement to conceal what you really feel, but you and your friends know the whole darn deal. 


You think she's pretty amazing and disarmingly charming, and when you're around her you always feel your heart pounding. 


You're always thinking of the right words to say around her, but no matter how hard you try your mind always seems to falter. 


Your friends tell you how you should conduct yourself around her, but in your head none of this stuff really matters.


You constantly remind yourself to think of it as a game, but when you try to act suave all that goes through your head is "man, that was lame".


You don't know where this is heading but you hope and pray to God that it won't be a dead end.


You've been down similar roads before but you feel it's different, you hope this time that you've got better judgement.


You can't deny the fact that it makes you a happy camper, though you're scared that this might just turn into another disaster.


So here you are standing at the edge of a cliff thinking about jumping, the only question left is do you think you're worth catching?

Thursday, June 28, 2012

a promise


listen to me, take comfort from my words
let go of your inhibitions
just ignore all the distractions 
take my hand and close your eyes 
we will fly and you will smile 

don't be scared, i'm here 
trust me, i'll make things clear 
i know you've been hurt 
i know life's not fair 
here's my shoulder, lean your head 
here are my arms, i'll carry you to bed 

i'll wipe away your tears 
i'll help you face your fears 
i'll make you see the beauty of life 
i'll give you courage to continue this fight 

i'll be your voice when you cant speak 
i'll be your eyes when you cant see 
i'll give you answers when you start having questions 
i'll give you hope when everything's going down the slope 

i'll be your shield, i will protect you 
i'll sing a lullaby when you cant sleep 
i'll be your lover and your best friend 
you can count on me til the end 

this poem is for you, my future love 
i know you're out there somewhere 
my words are true, my heart's sincere 
i'll do everything for you my dear 
but then again i just have to wait 
coz after all, i just haven't met you yet

Sunday, June 24, 2012

buti pa sila...

buti pa ang kalendaryo may date,
buti pa ang Hershey's may kisses,
buti pa ang probability may chance.

buti pa ang telepono hini-hello,
buti pa ang film nadi-develop,
buti pa ang typewriter nata-type-pan.

buti pa ang exams sinasagot,
buti pa ang problema iniisip,
buti pa ang assignment inu-uwi.

buti pa ang panyo nadidikit sa pisngi,
buti pa ang baso dinadampian ng labi,
buti pa ang unan inaakap sa gabi.

buti pa ang kamalian napapansin,
buti pa ang salamin minamasdan,
buti pa ang hininga hinahabol.

buti pa ang tindera nagpapatawad,
buti pa ang music at lyrics pinagsasama,
buti pa ang sugat inaalagaan.

buti pa ang lungs malapit sa puso
buti pa ang pera iniingatan
buti pa ang kotse mahal.

buti pa sila...
eh tayo, paano?




disclaimer: nakita ko lang ito sa internet mula sa isang hindi nagpakilalang manunulat. ang taba talaga ng utak ng mga pinoy. :)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

50% sabaw and 50% anonymous

Hindi po ako ang sumulat nito. Gusto ko lang i-share ito dito sa blog ko. Ang lahat ng papuri at parangal para sa entry na ito ay dapat ibigay sa mgaepal.com. 

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Controversial BAYO "What's your mix?" ad campaign.

Nung nakaraan, binasag ng maraming tao ang "What's your mix?" ad campaign ng BAYO. May pagka-racist daw kase ang dating. Mukang pinapalabas daw kasi na mas angat ang kalidad ng mga pinay na may mix blood. Nagmumuka daw tuloy na hindi pino-promote ng BAYO ang pagiging 100% Filipino.



Sa simpleng observation, pinaka una ngang papasok sa utak ng mga tao na nationality ang basis nung tag line. Pero kung makikita ang ibang ads at kung sa mas may utak na perspective, makikita na wordplay ang diskarteng ginawa ng BAYO, at yung style/wardrobe na suot ng mga model yung pinaka tinutukoy.








Kung tutuusin magling yung concept, kaso dahil nga impulsive ang mga Pilipino, syempre yung initial impact na lang ang binanatan agad. Nag-apologize ang BAYO. Kung may negative message man daw na na-send ang ads na yan, hindi daw yon intentional. Sa totoo lang walang dapat ihingi ng sorry ang BAYO. Pero dahil nasa clothing industry sila kung saan importante ang brand image, kailangan nilang maging pleasant sa consumers. Sayang dahil mukang hindi pa handa ang Pilipinas sa mga ads na kailangan gamitan ng utak. Mukang matagal pa tayong maliligo sa mga ads na dinadaan lang sa kasikatan ng endorsers.
UPDATE: Sinabi ng BAYO na unang phase lang daw ng ad campaign ang nilabas nila. Part daw yan ng tatlong phase.




Hindi namin alam kung damage control na lang yan, pero uulitin namin, para samin walang mali ang BAYO. Ang "damage" ay nanggaling lang sa mga moralistang mababa ang I.Q.

At dahil mahilig tayo sa mga spoof ng mga issues, eto ang mga kanya-kanyang version ng BAYO ad na gawa ng mga taong may sobrang daming free time.
"What's your mix?"

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Ten Ways to Find Your Inspiration

Hindi po ako ang sumulat nito pero gusto ko lang  po ito i-share dito.:)

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Ten Ways to Find Your Inspiration

The word inspire comes from the Latin word for inspirare, which means to breath upon or into. When we inspire others, we’re living from our higher selves. When we’re being inspired, we expand beyond what we previously were, or know our selves to be. Our lives have new breath. Our soul and our actions are one.


1. Know what inspires you.

Go back to your memories and recall when you felt most inspired. What was the common thread amongst the different times when you’ve been inspired? Was there a theme to the times when you’ve been inspired, or have been inspiring? Was it an action that a person took - or that you took? Think about what’s inspired you in the past. Look to see what’s missing now.

2. Learn to live with ambivalence while striving for perfection.

Inspiration lives between the two spaces of ambivalence and perfection. Inspiration speaks to the best within our selves - ambivalence is the messiness of our lives, the life process. Perfection is the ideal, while ambivalence is its application. Inspiration is what moves us forward in life - through the ambivalence and towards the ideal.

3. Take a break from your life.

Go to a movie or hike a mountain to its highest vista. Surround yourself with the sound of the rhythm of water, while the warmth of the sun energizes your body. Move your body so you feel its life. Keep your focus on nothing other than your experience. Live in the present.

4. Inspiration isn’t only what’s done TO you.
Being inspired requires an openness of heart and spirit. Create an environment that supports an open heart, so that inspiration blossoms in your life. Inspiration can’t exist without this.

5. Sometimes we fall before we stand.

Don’t beat yourself up when you fall from grace. Life is a process and isn’t static. When you fall, don’t beat yourself up for falling. Acknowledge the fall and it’s impact on your life. At some point, you’ll take action and stand up. Trust the process.

6. Divert your attention.
Forget about the joys that inspiration brings, and live from another domain. An inspired life isn’t only about inspiration. It’s also about exhilaration, about passion and living life fully. Do something completely different than you normally would. Strike up a conversation with someone you typically wouldn’t, and approach the conversation with naivete, openness and depth. There’s a good chance that inspiration will come to you when you’re least looking for it.

7. Surround yourself with what inspires you.

If a certain type of person inspires you, follow and nurture the attraction. Trust what inspires you, and let it guide your actions. If a Wagner opera inspires you, surround yourself with it’s music so you feel completely at one with the music, and with what inspires you. Lose yourself in what you love and be inspired.

8. Get outside of yourself.
Though you think you know what inspires you based on past experiences - this doesn’t mean that you can’t be inspired by something new that previously didn’t effect you. Live in the present and pay attention to what tugs at your heart. This will give you a hint to newer sources of inspiration.

9. Grace + openness + life + soul = inspiration.

Create a formula consisting of the ingredients that define inspiration for you. We all have different perceptions and experiences of inspiration. Define what it is for you.

10. Inspiration is a quality and a state of being.
To be inspiring to others is to be self-generative and inspiring to our selves. How can you be more self-generative? One must live in a state of being that allows for inspiration to take root. How can you cause and create your own source of inspiration? Where are you self-generative in your life, and how can you be more self-generative?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

sa kabilang dako

Sa Kabilang Dako
isang katha ni Kiko

Sabi ng matatanda, ang bawat panaginip daw ng isang tao ay may kahulugan. Maaring isa itong babala o pangitain ng maaring mangyari sa hinaharap. Pwede din daw na ang mga napapanaginipan mo ay ang mga bagay na ninanais mo sa buhay. May mga panaginip na nagkakatotoo at meron namang hindi. Noong una, hindi ako naniniwala sa mga panaginip, hanggang isang araw, nagbago ang pananaw ko pati na rin ang buhay ko.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

hinaing

payapa
sa paglalakbay sa buhay
madalas paghihirap ay kaagapay
pero sa buhay na aking tinatahak
madalas ako'y tinutulak
papalayo...
mag-isa...
di makatayo...
walang kasama...

minsan nais kong maging bingi
upang di marinig ang inyong pagkutya
minsan nais kong maging pipi
upang di makapagsalita
ngunit puso ko'y nagnanais
ilabas lahat ng aking pagtitiis
sa katahimikan ko lamang madarama
tunay na ligaya at payapa

sa aking isipan binubuo
mundong aking kalalagyan
sa mundong lahat ay tahimik
sa mundong lahat ay walang pakialam
ito ang kaharian ko
kaharian ng walang malay
walang gulo...
walang kayo...
at walang ako...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

hopeless.

You’re gone, but I miss you so much that every fragment of my being yearns for your return. Every moment of every day I find myself wishing you were here with me, sitting, laying right beside me. You’ve never seen me cry but I doubt my tears could bring you back. I just can’t understand why it is that I love you so much. It makes me mad sometimes that I just can’t confine you to my past, how could I, when I feel this strongly for you? I remember when I told you I loved you for the first time, you were about to leave and ended up staying for me, I’ve never felt so loved ever. We talked all night and I actually cried, tears of happiness, the one and only time I’ve ever had them.

I feel so hopeless and empty, I miss you, I miss us, I love you and there’s just no way to go back to being us. Even though I know you love me, you can deny it all you want but I’ve seen the look in your eyes, your eyes just don’t lie. Nothing about any of this makes sense, not why we can’t be together, not what went wrong. All I know is there’s nothing I want more than I want you. I just can’t move on and I can’t fathom loving anyone more than I love you. So I’m just here stagnant, drained and broken holding on to a glimmer of hope that will never materialize into anything. Our love is like a dying orchid and I’m frantically digging at the earth hoping that deep down there's a bulb waiting to bloom at the turn of spring. I don’t even think I know what I want anymore, all this is just rambling to put my heart at ease because every time I think about you, it beats like crazy, that’s just one symptom of just how much I love you.

I know you’re out there doing good, I’m so proud of you. More than you’ll ever know. But I miss you and I love you probably way too much.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the ironies of life

How do you really mend a broken heart? If your heart needs to be mended, does it also mean you have to start all over again? How can you be whole when it’s been a masquerade of jigsaw puzzles? How can you share when there’s a part of you that’s empty?

How can you be loyal when there were betrayals? How can you be happy when circumstances brought you a lingering sadness? How can you be able to share when you were deprived of; where can you find the sense of belonging in parting?How can you go on loving when there’s so much crippling pain inside? How can you be understanding when you were failed to be understood? How can you be patient when time tested you?

How can you be strong when your spirits and will were weakened? How can you be wise when your craving for discoveries were taken away from you? How can you crave for more when you were offered less? How can you be peaceful amidst the misery?

How can you stop living on the shadow of the past when the present is bleak? Where’s clarity in confusion? What is there to hold in the future when you don’t know how to begin the present?

Is life really a warfare of choices? A warfare of ironies?…

Why do we need to fall down to know the overflowing joy in rising? Why do we have to be rejected to know in the end that we were accepted?

Why do we have to be defeated to feel the essence of winning? Why do we need to be fair amidst indifferences? Where are you going to pull the humility after being belittle?

Do you really have to lose in order to victor? Do you have to be cold to savor warmth after? Do you really have to be shaken in order to be intact? Do you sometimes need to be blinded to appreciate what is beautiful? Do you really need to understand the complexities to appreciate what’s incremental? Do you need to be tough just to bend a little in the end?

Which is really far more important — is it the destination or the journey you take? Which choice are you going to pick — something comforting but not satisfying or something satisfying but not comforting?

What lies between passion and lust? Between hatred and anger? Discontentment and hunger? What is the thin line between obsession and power?Between betrayal and wants?

What are we being offered of — is it patience or a chance to be patient? Is it wisdom or the opportunity to be wise enough? Is it love or the chance to be loved? Is it stardom or the the opportunity to shine? Is it competition or the strong urge to outshine others?

How do you know what is right when you don’t know what is wrong or how righteousness is being gauge?

How do you define unconditional love — is it when there are no conditions set or when you’re conditioned to love unconditionally?

Ahhh…..we live in ironies and whether we like it or not we make choices out of these ironies…The consequences?…It’s another tale of ironies.


author: blue autumn31

Saturday, May 12, 2012

date a girl who reads

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

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thanks to Ms.Anna Gacis sa pagpayag na i-post ko dito sa blog ko yung entry mo. :)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

let me be your lullaby

Close your eyes and listen to these words, let them become your lullaby as your heart rate slows, and your heaving chest sinks and climbs as your breath slows and a whisper of serenity escapes your lips.

Lay your head upon my chest, use it as a pillow, let me hold you tightly and feel your heart rate slow the deep thumping of my own. 


Let me find peace with you in my arms. 

Let me sing you to sleep, let these words be your lullaby.

Listen close and listen hard. These are words crafted for you only. Close your eyes and breath so slow. Let me be yours and surrender your soul to me. Lay peacefully in my arms as I take up a sword and a shield. Let me defend you from the demons that haunt your dreams. Let me watch over you as you rest, let me be the one you open your eyes to. Let me bathe you in kisses from the moment you wake up until you come to lay your head on my chest again, when another precious day with you comes to a close. Let me hold you and protect you like my baby, be mine and love me. Let me be your lullaby.

K. :)

Saturday, March 17, 2012

music and champagneproblems

music serves man in many ways. it is therapeutic, comforting, and calming. we use music to express the longings and desires of our hearts as humans. music is a language that can be used by people without fear of being misunderstood.

it is the air we breathe and the thoughts we think. it is the melodies that beat to the tune of our hearts. it is the universal language that we can all understand and relate to, even when our personal definitions vary.

music is a very important part of my world and without it I don't know how I would have come as far as I have.

music is the voice we long for when we can't find the words to speak. many people will agree that there are songs that were written just for them. songs can sometimes say things better than we could have said them. they can express our emotions though we didn't really know we felt that way. music can put things into perspective for us.

music speaks to our emotions. it takes us back. music can evoke our memories. it can remind us of the happy times. music can help us relate to experiences. it makes us happy or brings tears to our eyes. music is a link to our soul.

music soothes and relaxes us. music is a great way to unwind. it helps us feel better when we are blue. it comforts us when we are lonely yet it makes us realize that we aren't alone.

music is as important to me as breathing and food. it is my escape, my comfort, and my inspiration.



p.s i'm listening to this song while writing this entry. it's amazing how music inspires people. napa-english tuloy ako. hahaha :D
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speaking of music, i would like to share a band who i think has the potential to be great and famous in the music industry. (wow ha, bigat niyan) 

i don't know, i just believe that they could make it big with proper exposure and continuous support. 

i think one important thing any singer or band should have is the ability to sing from the heart. coz for me, singing is like telling a story. and i think this band has that ability, the ability to touch people through their music.

one time, while i was listening to one of their covers, i felt like being punched by an invisible force coz i really felt the song they were singing. i immediately texted their vocalist and told her how great their cover was.

ok, too much of that. to all the readers of this blog, i'd like you to meet...

ChampagneProblems!! (name pa lang, arte na hehe)

fat (center)-main vocals
sammy (left)-guitars/vox
tat(right)-guitars/vox
here's the link of their band's Facebook page. their covers are posted on their wall. 


listen. like. and share.


http://www.facebook.com/champagneproblemsband 

here's a sample. their cover of "the scientist" by coldplay.


http://soundcloud.com/richard-jason-de-mesa/the-scientist-coldplay-cover 

another cover. "she's the one" by robbie williams


http://soundcloud.com/richard-jason-de-mesa/robbie-williams-shes-the-one-1

enjoy. .


keep rocking. \m/