Monday, August 26, 2013

I Can Barely Say by The Fray






  
I said I told you everything I left something out
Underneath the stairwell.
That I'm under lock and key, but you can probably tell
A powder keg in a prison cell.

I wanna return but all you will do is turn to leave
If I can find my way home, will you take hold of me?
I've been gone so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say

Well I used to be the sun
Waiting silently but they barely noticed me
But I've been talking in my sleep when anybody sees they turn and run from me

I want to return but all you will do is turn to leave
If I can find my way home will you take hold of me?
Cause I've been gone so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say

I wanted to run
I wanted to love and be loved in return
But will I ever get back, do I know too much to return.

I've been gone so long, I can barely say
All I know is now I wanna stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say.

what i see

I remember the very first time I ever laid eyes on you, as cliched as it sounds, your beauty absolutely took my breath away. I can’t exactly find the words to describe what I felt but I knew it was something unique, something that I had never felt before and never would again. I sat there staring at you for a good few minutes thinking, “my god, she’s absolutely beautiful”… And then you opened your mouth, and I filtered out everything else going on in that room, and as you spoke, it dawned on me that your beauty was not your greatest asset, but rather it was the mind that sits behind those guarded brown eyes accented by those warm fiery tinges of black and gray. In time as I got to know you for who you are I realized that this mind which I believed to be your greatest asset only takes a distant second place to the heart that rests within your chest.

As we became friends of the truest definition of the word, I realized that my life without you in it is like world without an atmosphere. Barren. But just as a world with an atmosphere is complex and exists in a fine balance, so does my life, and that is why I’ll  never know if what you mean to me is anywhere near with what I mean to you. I don’t exactly know what I feel for you, but I do know that it runs deep like the roots of a tree, you underpin my every achievement and in everything I do, I look to you to see if you smile with the grace of your effortless beauty, I look for answers in those beautiful eyes, guidance in your sharp mind and most of all, approval in that enormous heart.

Monday, June 24, 2013

bystander.

I don’t so much feel like I’m living my own life, rather I feel like a bystander in it. Sometimes it’s very easy to feel like a ghost, I even have to question whether people can actually see me and I guess in doing so I begin to wonder if I matter in the slightest. Or whether I exist like a furniture while life happens around me. I've long since held the belief that I don’t belong here, and I don’t belong in this time and perhaps I was never meant to be. Because most of the time my life feels like a cheap scene from a drama where they show the main character standing still, or doing something in real time while camera trickery shows everything around him happening in fast forward. The thing is it can be very real, you can sit and just watch life happen as nothing more than a bystander in it all.

I guess you just stop feeling things, you stop caring about what happens and you just let life happen. Not so much in a good way where you throw your worries into the wind, kick back and let life carry you on a soft swooping cloud, but rather where you crash to the ground and you lay in the crater you've created, having completely lost the will to get up. I guess that’s the worst part when you don’t know if you wanna get up again, because you've been here before, and last time you got up, and well here you are again, so clearly something’s not working. And it’s that realization that starts you on this downward spiral, where you wonder what would happen if you ceased to exist, because you don’t feel like you’re living anymore, rather you’re just watching life pass you by and you can’t help but wonder what the point is, and if there ever will be a point or if anyone would even notice your absence because you just feel like an empty, useless furniture.


Friday, May 03, 2013

a letter for someone i've never met

To my one and only,


I have been longing for you ever since I knew how it was to long for someone. To many shooting stars, in birthday candles, and in dandelions I have wished for you. For you are out there somewhere, far away in time and place, but you are also here in my heart. Shakespeare said: Journeys end in lovers meeting. I cannot see you yet. The end for us is a long way ahead, but even now I am walking to you my love. Every day, every step, every beat of my heart, I know that the Lord is bringing me nearer to you. The road is long and sometimes I am weary. I long for you so much it feels like I am holding my breath. I long for you to be here, to be near, to be known. I can only dream you, and wish you and wait for you.


So patiently, I will wait . For I know – I am sure – every second of the wait will be worth it. I’ll hold true to the promise I’ve made. For that promise is sacred and it is not in vain. I put my faith to the author of love, of this love, that He will see us through.


I will pray for you as I am waiting. I hope you will (pray) and are (waiting), too. ‘Cause as I walk this road there are still many steps to take, many other paths to go through. As I dream of finding you, there are still other dreams to reach and destinies to be realized. For when I finally find you, I want to be ready. Ready to take on our destiny. God will lead us to that, in perfect time. And when that time comes, I know it will be grand and far-reaching than what I’ve ever dreamed of. Until then, I will be here, praying and steadfastly waiting. I will keep on longing for you and wishing on stars and dandelions, until every wish comes true and I will finally meet you.


Patiently waiting,
BoySabaw

Friday, March 15, 2013

may dumarating. may umaalis. may naiiwan. may naghihintay.

may dumarating....

kailanman, hindi umaasa ang papel na mapupuno siya ng mga letra at salita. tahimik lang siyang naghihintay, nag-aabang. hanggang isang araw, magugulat na lang siya na may mga kamay na lumapit sa kanya at nagsimulang magsulat. unti-unti, dahan-dahan, napunan ang bakanteng espasyo sa buhay ni papel. iba-iba man ang hugis at laki ng bawat letra ay niyakap niya ito at itinuring na para niyang pag-aari. ang bawat letra kasing isinulat sa kanya ang nagdagdag ng dahilan para magpatuloy siya sa buhay. ang bawat salitang nabuo sa iba't-ibang letra ay magiiwan ng marka sa buhay niya, maayos man ang pagkakasulat o hindi.

katulad sa tao, minsan hindi natin inaasahan na may darating sa buhay natin. akala mo ay okay ka na, yun pala may darating sa buhay mo para sabihin sa'yo na may kulang pa. dumarating sila sa di inaasahang oras, panahon at pagkakataon kaya dapat ay lagi kang handa. at dahil iba-iba ang tao, aayusin mo tuloy ang mundo mo para siguraduhing magkakasya sila dahil ang bawat isa ay may iba't-ibang hugis at anyo, iba't-ibang pagkatao at ugali. bawat isa ay may natatanging espasyo na bubuo sa mundo mo. magiging masaya ka sa piling nila, pakiramdam mo ay kumpleto ka na talaga, hanggang isang araw, sa di inaasahang oras, panahon at pagkakataon, may aalis at biglang mawawala.

may umaalis....

kapag may isang piraso ng puzzle ang nawala, mahihirapan ka ng buuin ito. hindi ka pwedeng gumamit ng kahit anong piraso dahil ang espasyong nabakante ay walang katulad. pwede mong alisin at burahin ang bawat salitang isinulat mo sa papel, pero hindi mawawala ang maiiwan nitong marka. hindi mo mapipigilan ang tren na umalis dahil may kailangan siyang patunguhan. araw-araw may umaalis, papunta sa kung saan sila gusto dalhin ng tadhana, pero bawat umaalis ay nagiiwan ng marka, ng bakanteng espasyo, ng butas sa buhay mo.

mapapatanong ka tuloy kung bakit pa nila kailangan umalis. mapapaisip ka kung may mali ka bang nagawa o di nila nagustuhan kaya sila nag-desisyon na umalis. akala mo okay na ang lahat pero ipapamukha sayo ang katotohanan, ihaharap sa'yo ang realidad, na sa bawat taong dumarating sa buhay mo, may isa, dalawa o higit pa na kailangan umalis. hindi mo mapipigilan ang pag-alis nila sa parehong paraan na hindi mo mapipigilan ang ulan na pumatak sa lupa. katulad ng ulap, wala kang magagawa kundi pagmasdan ang bawat patak ng tubig na inalagaan at naging bahagi ng buhay mo na bumagsak sa lupa o sa kung saan man sila nararapat. may sarili silang pag-iisip at desisyon. dumaan lang sila sa buhay mo para ituro ang mga bagay na kailangan mong matutunan. aalis sila kung kailan nila gusto. hindi mo ito mababago at hindi mo ito mapipigilan. ang tanging magagawa mo lamang ay ang hayaan sila at tanggapin ang katotohanang kailangan ka nila iwan.

may naiiwan....

umiiyak ang bata sa tuwing iiwan sila ng mga magulang nila, nalulungkot ang puno sa tuwing malalagasan siya ng dahon, tumatahimik at nagiging malungkot ang paligid kapag nawala ang musika.

bakit nga ba mahirap ang maiwan? siguro dahil nasanay ka na na palaging nariyan ang isang tao at natutunan mo na siyang mahalin at pahalagahan kaya mahirap matanggap na isang araw ay aalis siya at maiiwan kang magisa, sugatan, umiiyak at umaasa.

mahirap maiwan kasi pakiramdam mo parang may nawala sa pagkatao mo na tanging yung umalis lang ang makakabuo ulit. mahirap maiwan kasi nakakatakot mag-isa sa mundong mabilis umikot at nakakalito. mahirap maiwan kasi hindi mo alam kung babalik pa ba yung taong umalis. mahirap maiwan kasi mahirap harapin ang katotohanan na tapos na ang lahat, umalis na siya, at kailanma'y hindi na mapupunan muli ang bakanteng espasyo na naiwan sa buhay mo.

mahirap maiwan pero mas mahirap na marahil ang maghintay.

may naghihintay....

kahit na sino sa atin, isa na siguro sa pinakamahirap na pwedeng pagdaanan ng tao ay ang maghintay. siguro dahil walang kasiguraduhan sa paghihintay. hindi mo alam kung ang mga nangyayari ay simbolo kung dapat ka pang maghintay o kailangan mo ng bumitaw. hindi mo alam kung hanggang kailan ka maghihintay, ang pinanghahawakan mo lang ay ang pag-asa na sana isang araw ay may dumating. pero hindi mo alam kung kailan yung "isang araw" na yun hangga't hindi dumarating yung mismong araw na yun. maraming tatakbo sa utak mo, marami kang maiisip, maraming mabubuong haka-haka at pagdududa. darating din yung punto na mawawalan ka na ng pag-asa, mauubos ang pasensya at panghihinaan ng loob. maraming tanong ang mabubo pero walang sagot na tutulong sa'yo. halu-halo ang mararamdaman mo hanggang sa punto na tatanungin mo ang sarili mo kung kaya mo pa.

bakit nakakayanan ng dagat hintayin ang papalubog na araw? bakit kayang hintayin ng puno ang pagsibol muli ng mga nalagas niyang dahon? bakit kayang hintayin ng dalampasigan ang pagyakap at paghampas ng alon?

hindi ko alam, pero ang alam ko ay umiikot ang mundo at nagbabago ang panahon. sa bawat taong umaalis ay may dumarating. sa bawat nabubuong tanong ay may lumalabas na sagot. sa bawat nawawala ay may dumarating na kapalit. wala kang magagawa kundi ang maghintay, magpakatatag at magtiwala na balang araw, sa tamang oras, panahon at pagkakataon, ay may darating na tutlong sa'yo para mabuo muli ang magulo mong mundo.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

the broken. the fixer.

There exists a class of person born to fix things, and as they grow into themselves they realize that they cannot let something broken stay broken. They are the kind of people that find a bird with a broken wing, fallen from its mother's nest, they take it home and nurture it, fixing what was once broken only to set it free even after having established a strong bond. 


And when it comes to love, it just so happens the most broken people find their way into the lives of these repairers. And they do all they know, they give it their all and fix them, but in doing so they happen to fall deeply and harshly for the once broken, not realizing that they - the broken, are just passing through. They sought to be fixed, to have their hearts mended by someone with a delicate hand, and once repaired, they’re set free, to fly into the arms of another that wouldn't look twice if they had been broken.

On some level they know that all that was required of them was to fix the broken, they know they shouldn't have fallen, but somehow they did. And now she’s gone, and he himself becomes broken. In time his wounds mend themselves and he returns to repairing the broken souls that wander into his life. Setting them free as soon as his healing hands are done, he watches them fly away with distaste, hoping that one day he might see her - the first one he ever did mend - flying back towards him.

That day never comes, and he repairs all he can, setting them free as soon as he is done, one day, however, a broken soul wanders into his workshop, and he spends months working to fix her, expecting her to be gone the minute he is done. What he doesn't anticipate however is her noting the neglected wounds within his own heart, and when the day comes to set her free, she doesn't fly away, instead she stays and gets to work trying to fix him, hoping that just maybe he won’t fly away in pursuit of the soul he once fixed oh so long ago.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

the reflection

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself. Instead I see a ghost of me, or rather who I want to be. Standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, looking on in disgust. Sometimes this being screams discouraging messages. And sometimes he appears with a discouraging look upon his face, as if to judge me for every decision I’m about to make. Sometimes I feel like I've let myself down. More often than I’d like perhaps. But I guess sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t see what others see in me. Instead I see what I have failed in doing. Failed in becoming. And what I've let myself become.

Sooner or later I'll start to believe this person, who isn't quite me, but on some level someone I’d like to be, yet somehow I also dislike, because he’s cold and callous, he is without heart and emotion. He is strong and fearless. Without attachments that the physical embodiment of me is so tied to. He’s everything I’m not. So I start to feel what he thinks I am. Weak, ugly, easily manipulated, stupid. Only now do I realize that maybe I’m starting to let this manifestation of what he tells me I am become true.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

mess

Everyone told me how beautiful you were. But I failed to grasp what a mess you were and still are. I mean I knew your life was complicated, nothing about you was ever simple and nothing about us was ever easy. But I guess that’s what I loved about you, you made me feel alive, and everything we had and everything we were I had to work hard for, to prove to you that I was worthy of you. Even though I probably never was. You were a beautiful mess and I wanted more than anything to fix you, to make you whole again. I guess I never did grasp that in doing so, in attempting to anyway, you had the capacity to make a mess out of me.

I’m not blaming you for everything that went down and it isn’t your fault, because that’s just life, you feed off it and shit happens. But I don’t think you’ll ever truly lay hold of what it did to me and how it will continue to define me. When I look at him I am reminded that he is everything I’m not, how much better you two look together than we did. I guess I now constantly live in fear that no matter how hard and how much I can love someone, there will always be someone better waiting to snatch it away from me. Because of us, because of you, I am unable to feel worthy, worthy of loving anyone, worthy of being loved. Because I’ll always feel like they’re holding back, waiting in the clutches of hope that there’s someone better just around the corner. I’ve never felt like I deserved much in life, I always believed that things are earned, never deserved, but it’s completely another thing to feel like you deserve nothing and your efforts to earn something couldn’t earn you a single grain of sand because you are that unworthy of anything.

You were a beautiful mess and all I wanted to do was love you, even though everyone told me I shouldn’t. You were a beautiful mess that I wanted to fix and instead, blinded by your beauty I let you make a mess out of me, unlike you, I am not befitting of any beauty. A mess is all I am now, with no one to fix me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

kontra-sabaw. :)

You're good, but you're going to be great. You're the best, but you're going to get better. Sometimes the paths we take are long and hard, but remember: those are always the ones that lead to the most beautiful views. Challenges come along, inevitably; how you respond to them determines who you are - deep down inside - and everything you're going to be. Increase the chances of reaching your goals by working at them gradually. The very best you can do is all that is asked of you. Realize that you are capable of working miracles of your own making. Remember that opportunities have a reason for knocking on your door, and the right ones are there for the taking. You don't always have to win, but you do need to know what it takes to be a winner. It's up to you to find the key that unlocks the door to a more fulfilling life. Understand that increased difficulty brings you nearer to the truth of how to survive it - and get beyond it. Cross your bridges. Meet your challenges. Reach out for your dreams, and bring them closer and closer to heart. Get rid of the "if only's," and get on whatever you need to do to get things right. Go after what you want in life, with all the blessings of all the people who care about you. And find out what making your wishes come really feels like. -Collin Mccarty