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1.In Wowowee, an old lady was given money by Willie Revillame. When asked what she’d do with it, she said, “Ibibili ko ng kabaong ko.” So heartbreaking.
2.A certain lola manghuhula keeps on saying “May asim pa ako!” But I bet the only asim you’d find in her is in her kilikili.
3.My parents don’t know I’m gay. But one night, I was fixing myself in front of the mirror in my lola’s room, and she said out of nowhere, “Laging mag-iingat…uso ang AIDS ngayon…”
4.Apo: “Lolo, penge pong pera pambili ng chichirya.”
Lolo: “Apo, hindi na uso yan!”
Apo: “Eh ano na po ang uso?”
Lolo: “Chiskar.”
Apo: “Lolo, ano pong ulam? De lata po ba?”
Lolo: “Apo, hindi na uso yan!”
Apo: “Eh ano na po ang uso?
Lolo: “Kang Gud.”
5.May nakilala ako na lolo na laging nagkukuwento na nakaka-chicks pa daw siya. Pero I’m sure, balahibo na lang ang tumatayo sa kanya, at mukha na lang ang nagagalit.
6.It was my lolo’s birthday and I gave him a gift out of my own money for the very first time. When I gave it to him, he just put it aside, as if he didn’t care. But when he thought I wasn’t looking, he opened it excitedly, like a little boy.
7.Lola comes out of bathroom screaming: “Dalhin niyo ako sa duktor!” Apo: “Bakit po lola?” Lola: “Yung ihi ko kulay BLUE!!!” Lola did not realize na Toilet Duck lang yun.
8.Everytime I come home late, my Lola would say: “Balang-araw, magkakaanak ka rin. Panalangin namin ng nanay mo, na sana matulad sila sa iyong haliparot ka!”
9.I once asked my lola: “Magmamahal pa kaya ako nang lubos?” Sagot nya: “Apo…eh ano naman ngayon kung magmahal ang pulbos?”
10.During their 50th anniversary, my grandpa was asked to give a speech. He said: “50 years ago, when I married her, I tried to imagine her face 50 yrs later. Today, as I look at her, I’m just so glad that my imagination didn’t fail me.”
11.My lola knows that I love nuts. One time, she gave me a cupful of peanuts. Pagkain ko, I noticed that the peanuts were wet. Yun pala, galing sa kinakain niyang chocolates. Dahil wala siyang ngipin, sinisipsip lang niya yung chocolate, tapos dinudura yung peanuts.
12.In our province, there were no water pipes set up yet, so when word got out that they’re setting up water pipes, everyone was excited. Except for my 76-year-old lola who said: “Asus, ang tagal na nilang sinasabi yan! Di na ko naniniwala. Wala pa kong bulb*l sinasabi na nila yan!”
13.A friend’s lolo has a private nurse. One bath time he seated the naked lolo on a monobloc chair, para madaling paliguan. Kaso, one of his “eggs” slid into one of the chair’s slots. So when the nurse pulled the poor old man to stand him up, he let out a scream!
14.One time my lola asked me, “Apo, puwede ba tayo magmerienda ng banana chu?” I answered, “Lola, banana cue po.” She said, “Oo nga, banana chu.” I let it go and bought the snack. After I gave her the food, she said, “Tenchu apo ko, tenchu!”
15.During my Tita’s house blessing, when everyone entered her bedroom with a waterbed, my 80-year-old Lola shouted, “Naku, mahirap mag-sex diyan!”
16.My lola was taking so long writing with a pen in a bank, so an American asked her: “Are you done?” My lola answered: “No, I’m not Dan, I’m Norma.”
17.I overheard a lolo saying in a record bar: “Miss meron ba kayo nung Ja Calling? Pinapahanap ng apo ko.” Turned out he was lookin for Ja Rule’s & The Calling’s albums. Ang bastos tuloy ng dating.
18.When I was at 168 with my lola, I got into an argument with the saleslady. My lola told her, “Wag mong awayin ang apo ko! Kahit pangit yan, Atenista yan!”
19.My lola lived till 103 just 2 years ago. When she turnd 100, she said, “Nakalimutan na ako ni LORD…”
20.Nagtatanim si lolo nang mapansin ni lola na wala namang butong tinatanim. Lola: “Dad, wala ka namang tinatanim ah?” Lolo: “Kaya nga seedless grapes, eh!”
21.My lola sings their theme song every night before she sleeps, even if my lolo died 7 years ago.
22.I overheard my lolo and lola talking. My lola wasn’t paying much attention, so my lolo said “Oy, hindi ka naman nakikinig eh!” My lola said, “Nakikinig ako.” Then my lolo goes, “Sige nga, anong huli kong sinabi?” My lola answered, “Eh di, ‘hindi ka naman nakikinig eh!’ Odiba?”
23.Lolo: “May malaki akong problema.” Lola: “Wag mo sabihing problema mo lang, problema natin. Nagmamahalan tayo. Ang problem mo, problema ko rin. Ngayon anong problema natin?” Lolo: “Nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama.”
24.I once saw a 60-year-old man na nananawagan on one of the public service programs on TV. He said, “Itay, umuwi na po kayo sa bahay, di na daw galit si lolo sa inyo!”
25.When my lolo was younger, he was asked by a pretty American woman, “Excuse me, can you show me the way to Macabebe? (pronounced as ‘meykabeybey’ with her Amercian accent)” My lolo replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I’m happily married.”
26.Lolo: “Mahal, kuha mo kong ice cream.” Lola: “Sige.” Lolo: “O, baka umandar nanaman yang pagiging ulyanin mo, ha! Ice cream! Wag mong kakalimutan!” Lola: “Oo na, ice cream nga!” (After a few minutes, the lola comes back with a hotdog) Lolo: “Sabi ko na, ulyanin ka eh!” Lola: “Bakit?” Lolo: “nakalimutan mo yung ketchup…”
27.My lolo had a mistress. When my lolo died, his 2nd family went to our mausoleum and saw that there was another empty slot, which of course, was reserved for my lola. The other woman said, “How come there’s none for me?” My lola smiled at her, and calmly told her: “Go ahead…mauna ka na.”
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