mess

Everyone told me how beautiful you were. But I failed to grasp what a mess you were and still are. I mean I knew your life was complicated, nothing about you was ever simple and nothing about us was ever easy. But I guess that’s what I loved about you, you made me feel alive, and everything we had and everything we were I had to work hard for, to prove to you that I was worthy of you. Even though I probably never was. You were a beautiful mess and I wanted more than anything to fix you, to make you whole again. I guess I never did grasp that in doing so, in attempting to anyway, you had the capacity to make a mess out of me.

I’m not blaming you for everything that went down and it isn’t your fault, because that’s just life, you feed off it and shit happens. But I don’t think you’ll ever truly lay hold of what it did to me and how it will continue to define me. When I look at him I am reminded that he is everything I’m not, how much better you two look together than we did. I guess I now constantly live in fear that no matter how hard and how much I can love someone, there will always be someone better waiting to snatch it away from me. Because of us, because of you, I am unable to feel worthy, worthy of loving anyone, worthy of being loved. Because I’ll always feel like they’re holding back, waiting in the clutches of hope that there’s someone better just around the corner. I’ve never felt like I deserved much in life, I always believed that things are earned, never deserved, but it’s completely another thing to feel like you deserve nothing and your efforts to earn something couldn’t earn you a single grain of sand because you are that unworthy of anything.

You were a beautiful mess and all I wanted to do was love you, even though everyone told me I shouldn’t. You were a beautiful mess that I wanted to fix and instead, blinded by your beauty I let you make a mess out of me, unlike you, I am not befitting of any beauty. A mess is all I am now, with no one to fix me.

kontra-sabaw. :)

You're good, but you're going to be great. You're the best, but you're going to get better. Sometimes the paths we take are long and hard, but remember: those are always the ones that lead to the most beautiful views. Challenges come along, inevitably; how you respond to them determines who you are - deep down inside - and everything you're going to be. Increase the chances of reaching your goals by working at them gradually. The very best you can do is all that is asked of you. Realize that you are capable of working miracles of your own making. Remember that opportunities have a reason for knocking on your door, and the right ones are there for the taking. You don't always have to win, but you do need to know what it takes to be a winner. It's up to you to find the key that unlocks the door to a more fulfilling life. Understand that increased difficulty brings you nearer to the truth of how to survive it - and get beyond it. Cross your bridges. Meet your challenges. Reach out for your dreams, and bring them closer and closer to heart. Get rid of the "if only's," and get on whatever you need to do to get things right. Go after what you want in life, with all the blessings of all the people who care about you. And find out what making your wishes come really feels like. -Collin Mccarty

forget me.

I don’t recall asking much of you, I didn't ask for you to love me, I didn't ask to be in your thoughts all the time, nor did I ask you to be there continually. The one thing that I did ask of you was for you to never forget me, mostly because above all you were a dear friend to me. You gave me your word that I could never be forgotten, you told me that nothing could wipe me from your memory, that nothing could take my place and nothing would ever hold the same meaning as I do. I think you kept true to your word, but it’s not at all how I imagined.

It’s true that you haven’t forgotten me, even though its been a year since we meant anything to each other, it’s been a year since we've talked properly . You haven’t forgotten me, but it’s not in the way I imagined, I wanted you to remember the happiness I brought you, all the times you smiled because of me and all the memories we created together. But I guess when I asked you to never forget me you interpreted it in entirely the wrong way. I wanted to be remembered, instead you remember me most only when you’re lonely, when the world you've so meticulously crafted crumbles around you, that’s when you remember me. When you have nowhere else to go, that’s when you remember me, when no one else will listen, that’s when you remember me. You run to me when your world is broken and you forget me when it becomes mended.

I don’t know why I so badly wanted you to remember me, I guess I figured memories would be the only thing left of us, and in time they too would be forgotten, so I wanted you to remember me. And it seems I was right, you forgot what it means to be a friend, our friendship was forgotten with ease and all you remember is me as a safe haven when all else smolders around your feet. I don’t want to be remembered when you’re broken and weak. I have only ever asked you to remember me, I have asked nothing more and I promised I would never ask any more of you, except now, I need to ask you one last thing, because I need you to free me from this imprisonment that I am so helpless to run from, I need you to do one last thing for me and Lord knows I’m owed that much, I need you to forget me.