hinaing

payapa

sa paglalakbay sa buhay

madalas paghihirap ay kaagapay

pero sa buhay na aking tinatahak

madalas ako'y tinutulak

papalayo...

mag-isa...

di makatayo...

walang kasama...

minsan nais kong maging bingi

upang di marinig ang inyong pagkutya

minsan nais kong maging pipi

upang di makapagsalita

ngunit puso ko'y nagnanais

ilabas lahat ng aking pagtitiis

sa katahimikan ko lamang madarama

tunay na ligaya at payapa

sa aking isipan binubuo

mundong aking kalalagyan

sa mundong lahat ay tahimik

sa mundong lahat ay walang pakialam

ito ang kaharian ko

kaharian ng walang malay

walang gulo...

walang kayo...

at walang ako...

hopeless.

You’re gone, but I miss you so much that every fragment of my being yearns for your return. Every moment of every day I find myself wishing you were here with me, sitting, laying right beside me. You’ve never seen me cry but I doubt my tears could bring you back. I just can’t understand why it is that I love you so much. It makes me mad sometimes that I just can’t confine you to my past, how could I, when I feel this strongly for you? I remember when I told you I loved you for the first time, you were about to leave and ended up staying for me, I’ve never felt so loved ever. We talked all night and I actually cried, tears of happiness, the one and only time I’ve ever had them.

I feel so hopeless and empty, I miss you, I miss us, I love you and there’s just no way to go back to being us. Even though I know you love me, you can deny it all you want but I’ve seen the look in your eyes, your eyes just don’t lie. Nothing about any of this makes sense, not why we can’t be together, not what went wrong. All I know is there’s nothing I want more than I want you. I just can’t move on and I can’t fathom loving anyone more than I love you. So I’m just here stagnant, drained and broken holding on to a glimmer of hope that will never materialize into anything. Our love is like a dying orchid and I’m frantically digging at the earth hoping that deep down there's a bulb waiting to bloom at the turn of spring. I don’t even think I know what I want anymore, all this is just rambling to put my heart at ease because every time I think about you, it beats like crazy, that’s just one symptom of just how much I love you.

I know you’re out there doing good, I’m so proud of you. More than you’ll ever know. But I miss you and I love you probably way too much.

the ironies of life

How do you really mend a broken heart? If your heart needs to be mended, does it also mean you have to start all over again? How can you be whole when it’s been a masquerade of jigsaw puzzles? How can you share when there’s a part of you that’s empty?

How can you be loyal when there were betrayals? How can you be happy when circumstances brought you a lingering sadness? How can you be able to share when you were deprived of; where can you find the sense of belonging in parting?How can you go on loving when there’s so much crippling pain inside? How can you be understanding when you were failed to be understood? How can you be patient when time tested you?

How can you be strong when your spirits and will were weakened? How can you be wise when your craving for discoveries were taken away from you? How can you crave for more when you were offered less? How can you be peaceful amidst the misery?

How can you stop living on the shadow of the past when the present is bleak? Where’s clarity in confusion? What is there to hold in the future when you don’t know how to begin the present?

Is life really a warfare of choices? A warfare of ironies?…

Why do we need to fall down to know the overflowing joy in rising? Why do we have to be rejected to know in the end that we were accepted?

Why do we have to be defeated to feel the essence of winning? Why do we need to be fair amidst indifferences? Where are you going to pull the humility after being belittle?

Do you really have to lose in order to victor? Do you have to be cold to savor warmth after? Do you really have to be shaken in order to be intact? Do you sometimes need to be blinded to appreciate what is beautiful? Do you really need to understand the complexities to appreciate what’s incremental? Do you need to be tough just to bend a little in the end?

Which is really far more important — is it the destination or the journey you take? Which choice are you going to pick — something comforting but not satisfying or something satisfying but not comforting?

What lies between passion and lust? Between hatred and anger? Discontentment and hunger? What is the thin line between obsession and power?Between betrayal and wants?

What are we being offered of — is it patience or a chance to be patient? Is it wisdom or the opportunity to be wise enough? Is it love or the chance to be loved? Is it stardom or the the opportunity to shine? Is it competition or the strong urge to outshine others?

How do you know what is right when you don’t know what is wrong or how righteousness is being gauge?

How do you define unconditional love — is it when there are no conditions set or when you’re conditioned to love unconditionally?

Ahhh…..we live in ironies and whether we like it or not we make choices out of these ironies…The consequences?…It’s another tale of ironies.

author: blue autumn31